I have confidence in sunshine

Hello Friends!

Today I just want to talk about my life as of right now.

So I still have stitches in my knee, I will hopefully be getting those out on Tuesday, and then can resume all normal human activity. I’m feeling alright, a bit sore and still bruised but at least my dignity is recovering slightly. I’m getting very antsy about getting the stitches out though, as they are very itchy and all I want to do is bend my knee.

Two posts ago I talked about this guy, T, that I had been seeing. After I posted that, he completely ignored me for a couple of days. So I texted him and asked if he wasn’t speaking to me because I had gotten him sick or because he read my post and didn’t like it? He responded a day later saying it made him feel weird. I responded saying, well then let’s talk about why it made you feel weird. And I haven’t heard from him since. Womp womp.

It’s interesting dating as a 28-year-old; if this situation were happening when I was 20, I think I would be way more bothered and probably almost begging him for attention. But now it’s more of a relief. Like weeding out the negative people in your life, why would you want to have that person be apart of your world?

After this last Tindr experience, I’ve decided that I am done with the dating apps. I know that they have actually worked for a lot of people, including many of my close friends, but for now, I’m finally getting comfortable with who I am, and for now that needs to be enough. If I meet someone organically, then fantastic, but I’m done trying to force things.

It goes back to having my unrealistic expectations of people; I try to idealize how situations and dates will play out and they will never happen how I envision them. So in the meantime, I will just be the overly loud, dramatic, crazy person who I love to be.

Not only am I feeling more confident in my self, but also in my abilities. I’ve been learning Autocad more and more, and I have drafted almost all of my set now! At least in groundplan form… I still need to break out the pieces separately to build, but I’ll start that tomorrow.

On Friday I did more budget type things with my boss, as we have ordered all of the lumber, fabric, and various other details for the set. When we were going through my paperwork and my process, my boss seemed quite happy with what I had done so far. At one point he said, “You are better at this then you think you are.”

That means a lot. And it tells a lot about my self-esteem as of late. I need to keep remembering that while yes, I am here to learn, I also got into this program for a reason, because I have skills in this field, and I am good at things. So often it can feel like you’re overwhelmed in learning so many new things at once that it feels like you are such an idiot. Deep breathes and rearing all of the confidence you have left gets projects done though. And here we are! We start the build for my show tomorrow! (Although that can’t happen since we don’t have lumber or my build drawings yet, but it’s fiiiiiiine.)

Saturday afternoon I decided that I would attempt to make pierogi for the first time in four years, which felt daunting but fantastic. Since I’ve been gluten-free, I’ve really only missed beer and pierogi, so it felt good to take a crack at making it gluten free, and I think it came out better than I expected it to! It is a bit bland though, so I will have to ramp up my flavor game the next time around, but they sealed really well in the boil, and sautéed beautifully!

Saturday night I went to my second college party as an adult, which was good for me, at least in respect to going all in and taking chances. Kimberly decided that she wasn’t in the party mood, so I was going alone which just ramped up my anxiety ten fold. I was pretty on the fence about going the later it got, but I just told myself to knock it off, you’ll be fine, put on a sexy dress and fake it til you make it.

I took an uber there, and I walk in and I immediately felt old. But I just shut my brain hole up, opened my bottle of wine, and stood there awkwardly while undergrads  scream sang ABBA. One of the guys from the program asked if I wanted to play beer pong which I was so thankful for, and then I found my groove. Man, beer pong is so much fun. I don’t know if I will ever feel too old for it. My complete memory of the night ends there though, I know I called an Uber to leave eventually and it was the same guy who drove me there in the beginning, so that was very fun. And I know I woke up to a snapchat of Carleigh saying, “I thought you left your bottle of wine at the house, but then I picked it up and it was empty.” And that is the exact reason why I have an awesome hangover today. I wanted to start writing this earlier but I was just too off still.

When I was in undergrad, I don’t remember having hangovers. I remember waking up still drunk, which in the grand scheme of drinking, is the way to go. Now, my hangovers last ALL DAY. I haven’t been able to put pants on, I scooped pasta into a bowl with my hands, and my butt has made a permanent dent in my love seat. I even googled “delivery service for Gatorade”. I’m clearly thriving. I certainly need a couple of weeks to recuperate before I do anything like this again, but alas, being old is hard; and life is hard when it happens to you.

In the beautiful song from the beatiful Julie Andrews, from her beautiful mouth, ” And mind me with eash step I am more certain, Everything will turn out fine. I have confidence the world can all be mine, They’ll have to agree I have confidence in me. ”

 

Love,

Aubrey

Emotions… am I right?

Hello friends!

Before I start this post, I just wanted to firstly thank everyone who has reached out with their love and support for me and this blog. It was amazingly overwhelming the amount of personal messages that I’ve been receiving about how my first post related to so many of you. If my experiences and words can help anyone, even just for a second, then that is truly amazing and I am so honored.

So today I thought we could continue chronologically into this new journey for me. I sort of ended my story yesterday with moving back to my parents house back around Thanksgiving. I just want to give a warning here that this is going to become very personal, candid, and upsetting. At least for this part, on a different day I will tell you all about how I screach-cried from joy from seeing a picture of a mini horse.

While I am so blessed to have parents who were willing and able to let me move back in with them, it certainly faced its challenges. I hadn’t lived with them full-time in almost 10 years, and it definitely felt like I had failed. I knew no one in Syracuse anymore, so now I was 27, getting a divorce, living with my parents, unemployed, with no friends around me, and very, very sad. I made a playlist called “sad piano” and would just listen to it on repeat. People told me not to do that, that it would make things worse, but man, no one wants to listen to Ke$ha when their upset; You need Adele, 4 blankets covering you, a bottle of wine, an oversized t-shirt that says, “Kiss me, I’m polish” that you’ve now spilled wine all over, a block of cheese, and another blanket for good measure.

My sister said that I cried myself to sleep most nights. I don’t really remember the specifics of that time, I just remember this overwhelming sadness that I never thought I would get over. I had this pit in my stomach that burned into my throat, and it just sat there, day and night. I have experienced a lot of traumatic, heart-wrenching times in my life before this, but this was uncharted territory; sad doesn’t accurately describe how horrible I was feeling, and I just didn’t want to be alive anymore. Truly, not to gloss over this, but depression and feeling hopeless is such a heavy burden that no matter how much love or compassion people show you, it just doesn’t help.

I am so grateful to all of my friends, but I know that I wouldn’t have gotten through this period of my life without my parents. They were so selfless and loving and supported me in ways I never knew I would need. I feel like I need to spend the rest of my life thanking them and finding ways to show them how much they mean to me because I truly don’t know what I would’ve done if they hadn’t done everything that they did for me. I’m sitting on my couch sobbing as I write this because I just… I just love Lori and Dave Ellis so god damn much. Thank you for shaping me into the woman I am today.

 

——————————15 minute intermission to find more tissues————————-

 

Okay, I’m back. I want to use this platform to say all of the things that I need to say, and so admitting that I was afflicted with that much pain is very difficult. If you’re still with me here, then I want to thank you. Thank you now, and thank you for reaching out back then when I so desperately needed it. If I didn’t respond to you, please know that I just couldn’t find the words then. If I did reach out to you, thank you for being there for me in my time of crisis. Your love saved me. Truly.

Thankfully, I was able to find my footing. But now I am experiencing anxiety for the first time… Yes I know, I feel very lucky to have just started this fun adventure of having a knot in my stomach, cold-sweats, nausea, palpitations, and an impending feeling of doom.

Apparently, for 27 years, I just did and said whatever I wanted, felt no consequence, and didn’t give any fucks about what anyone thought about me ever. Ahhh… what a simpler time.

Now, when I go out with a guy, I end up having to suddenly leave because I think I may start throwing up, and then all of my built up stress causes kidney stones! Huzzah! Great evolutionary trait, Aubrey!

Eventually though, I did get a job, and I was going to graduate school interviews, and feeling more and more like my old self. I have no tried and true method to how this happened; I can certainly tell you that it didn’t happen over night. It took months for me to feel comfortable in my own skin again. But one day, someone in my family looked at me and said, “Hey, the old Aubrey is back!” Thank god. From what I experienced, there is no wrong way to grieve. Your feelings and emotions are truly unique to you, and whatever you need to do to make yourself feel whole, then you should do that. I cried alot, drank more, reached out to friends, and leaned on my family 110%.

Occasionally I would have small realizations about my previous life and whenever that happened, I would write them down in a notebook. Often, they were things about my ex, but more often then not, they were reasons why I was better off. Soon they turned into qualities I wanted in my next partner. I had compromised so much in my previous relationship, that I now had a list of non-negotiables. I’ll share some with you; I can’t remember everything right off of the top of my head, of course I only remember the very silly ones, but to me, they are very important.

  1. They have to want to dance with me.
  2. They have to want to wear hilarious halloween costumes.
  3. They will never tell me that I’m too loud.

 

In January I had finally built up the courage to take on the adventure that is dating apps! What a weird thing guys! They didn’t have these things back in 2010, and man oh man, do I dislike them. Alas, at the end of January, I went on my first date in almost 7 years.

How do you even know when you’re ready to date again!? Was I ready? Did I even want to go? What do you talk about? Will it be weird if I meow at him? What if I get too drunk because I have no tolerance anymore and I laugh and whiskey comes out of my nose?

In my next post, I’m going to divulge what it’s like to date again, talk about the absurdities of tindr, tell you about the four guys that I’ve gone out with, and I don’t know, probably go on about how Jameson is the best whiskey? Yeah, that sounds right.

Thank you for going on today’s emotional roller coaster with me. We got through the tough part, now onto my hilarities and hi-jinks.

But for tonight, I will leave you with the words from Adele. Even though her songs have a a sad piano vibe to them, she still helped me in my time of need. “I can’t keep up with your turning tables. Under your thumb, I can’t breathe. So I won’t let you close enough to hurt me.”

 

Love,

Aubrey

 

 

The Journey Begins

 

Hello friends,

Welcome to my blog where I will use these posts as my therapy in order to help me navigate dating in 2018, the healing process after a breakup, graduate school woes, and just being a millennial in general. You are more than welcome on this journey of self discovery as I will attempt to figure out what will actually make me happy.

I’m starting this blog because I’ve been feeling anxious and confused about how I should go about doing…life. It all started a little less than a year ago when my ex, then husband, told me out of the blue that he didn’t love me anymore and wanted a divorce.

Ah, men.

Because this is my first blog post, for now I will just give you a brief introduction to why I am the way that I am. I started dating this guy when I was 20 years old, a junior in college. A year later, he proposed and being a stupid young person I said, why the hell not. We loved each other, it’d be fiiiiiiine. Unfortunately we grew apart, but I just assumed that my unhappiness was apart of marriage and being an adult. I’ve been told since then that that is not necessarily true. Weird. He didn’t go about the breakup how one should… and long story short, I am now a 28 year old divorcee.

Now, I’m not on here to bash my ex, in fact I want this blog to really have nothing to do with him. But to understand why I am having the problems that I have now, you kind of need to know my back story. And isn’t that what therapy is all about? Bringing up all past events and emotions to accurately pinpoint why you are so fucked up in the first place?

But back to me being blindsided… I guess I dealt with it pretty well. I was devastated for a little less than two weeks, but in that time, I had figured out that I would first of all, move back home to my parents so that I could have a support system, but also that I would be going to Graduate school. In the two weeks from when I was told that I was unloveable, I quit my job, started packing up all of my belongings, and started setting up graduate school interviews and creating a portfolio. People told me they were proud of me and blah blah blahhhhhh… I was just coping. It’s no use just sitting around crying all of the time. Now mind you, I definitely did that, and still do sometimes. Not because I miss my ex or anything, but in less than a year, my life has dramatically changed; now this is a story all about how my life got flipped turned upside down…

Sorry I couldn’t help it. I am no Fresh Prince. And I’ve never been to Bel Air.

My current life situation is that I accepted a Graduate Assistantship at UConn where in three years I will receive my MFA in Technical Direction. I am living on my own for the first time in my whole entire life, and my apartment is just the cutest.There are so many colors everywhere, and so many candles; it is my sanctuary.

And while all of these amazing things are happening, I still feel this overwhelming sense of loneliness. I have some of the most amazing friends and family surrounding me with love, and yet I still feel like I’m just cast off. I’m sure it’s because I’ve always had a person there that was mine. That I could lean on and they could help me fix even the smallest of dilemmas. And now, it’s really all up to me. And I need that, I know that I do. But it’s still just weird.

Anyways, I don’t want to make this first post too long, as I don’t want to scare you off too quickly now. I have many topics that I want to cover in these therapy sessions and I can’t burn through all of them quite yet.

I may do this blog daily, perhaps every other day? We’ll see… grad school is already proving very tiresome. But I believe that writing my thoughts and feelings down may help me realize what I really want in life, and also, I think this may be cheaper than going to see an actual therapist.

In future posts, I want to talk about dating apps, cooking for one person, MLA formatting, why I know how easy it is to become a crazy cat lady, mini horses, and this over arching idea that for some reason, there is a notion out there that women are complicated.

For now, I will leave you with this lyric, as in my times of loneliness I reach out to my friend Kyle. “Someone is on your side. No one is alone.”

 

Love, Aubrey