A Tropical Depression

Hello friends!

Man oh man it’s been a while! Things have definitely got away from me as I am now starting to enter the, “I have no life because grad school” mentality.

We’ve already struck our first show, we’re in tech for another, and we’re in the 3rd build week for my show. I am drafting better and better everyday, but I’m still no pro. Not even close.

We’ve passed midterms now, my welding project was a bit of a disappointment for me, but I certainly learned a lot, which is really the whole point. We had one week to make something and I decided I wanted to make a wind chime that looked like a jelly fish. When I started the project, my boss said that he didn’t think it would be able to happen how I wanted it to, and boy was he right.

Unfortunately I never listen, especially to nay sayers, and went along with it anyways. I wasn’t able to work on it as much as I had hoped since some things got in my way with the build of my upcoming show. So it ended up looking VERY organic, but it sounds great. I kept telling people to just close their eyes when they look at it, because the intonation of the copper tubes I used sounded really lovely.

Right now my life feels very messy. The stress from my show is really getting to me, and I’ve had 3 panic attacks in less than 12 hours. It’s enough that it makes me want to talk to a doctor about this again, but all of the anxiety medicine makes me feel like a zombie and I would hate that more I think.

Plus the last time I talked to a doctor about this, I didn’t get the greatest response. I actually completely forgot about this interaction until recently when I was looking through my medical history to send to UConn. I was looking through at the notes from the appointment I made about my overwhelming anxiety after my ex and I broke up after being together for almost 7 years. The diagnosis was, “Anxiety, extreme depression, obesity.”

COOL COOL COOL COOL COOL

Like, I know I’m no model of health, but let’s calm down. Also, I’m coming to you to talk about how I don’t want to be alive anymore, but yeah let’s dig a deeper hole about how overweight I am. That’ll totally help.

How do some people have medical degrees?

That being said, I am currently laying in my bed eating cheese. But also, self care. After all of my anxiety today, I got home, took a bath, poured myself a glass of wine, and now I’m here to talk it out. Of course living a healthy life style can certainly improve mental health, but right now I just don’t think some carrots and yoga is going to do the trick.

I do feel lucky that I can identify when I am having a panic attack atleast. Kimberly was saying that one of her friends is starting to have some but doesn’t know how to handle herself, which is super understandable. When I first started having attacks, I had no clue what was going on, and so I would try to act as normal as possible, which would really just make it worse.

Now I can feel my heart rate elevate, I start to sweat, I get this knot in my chest and that’s when I know I need to excuse myself. I like to go to the bathroom, bend down holding onto the sink so my arms are above my head, and then I cry if I need to and get back to breathing regular again. Then I splash cold water on my face, chest and neck. It usually takes about 5-10 minutes for me to return to normal, but I’ve found it the best way to calm myself down.

I also feel lucky to have surrounded myself with new friends at school who understand that this is a problem I face, and who give me the space and love to overcome it. They all know that I hate hugs, so they do this thing where they reach out their hand and put it on my forehead, and that is weirdly comforting.

Alas, I have faith that tomorrow will be a brighter and better day.

Today I leave you with the words from not a song, but my favorite podcast, “Jordan Jesse Go!” This was their catch phrase from last year. “Go punch a blimp!”

Love,

Aubrey

I have confidence in sunshine

Hello Friends!

Today I just want to talk about my life as of right now.

So I still have stitches in my knee, I will hopefully be getting those out on Tuesday, and then can resume all normal human activity. I’m feeling alright, a bit sore and still bruised but at least my dignity is recovering slightly. I’m getting very antsy about getting the stitches out though, as they are very itchy and all I want to do is bend my knee.

Two posts ago I talked about this guy, T, that I had been seeing. After I posted that, he completely ignored me for a couple of days. So I texted him and asked if he wasn’t speaking to me because I had gotten him sick or because he read my post and didn’t like it? He responded a day later saying it made him feel weird. I responded saying, well then let’s talk about why it made you feel weird. And I haven’t heard from him since. Womp womp.

It’s interesting dating as a 28-year-old; if this situation were happening when I was 20, I think I would be way more bothered and probably almost begging him for attention. But now it’s more of a relief. Like weeding out the negative people in your life, why would you want to have that person be apart of your world?

After this last Tindr experience, I’ve decided that I am done with the dating apps. I know that they have actually worked for a lot of people, including many of my close friends, but for now, I’m finally getting comfortable with who I am, and for now that needs to be enough. If I meet someone organically, then fantastic, but I’m done trying to force things.

It goes back to having my unrealistic expectations of people; I try to idealize how situations and dates will play out and they will never happen how I envision them. So in the meantime, I will just be the overly loud, dramatic, crazy person who I love to be.

Not only am I feeling more confident in my self, but also in my abilities. I’ve been learning Autocad more and more, and I have drafted almost all of my set now! At least in groundplan form… I still need to break out the pieces separately to build, but I’ll start that tomorrow.

On Friday I did more budget type things with my boss, as we have ordered all of the lumber, fabric, and various other details for the set. When we were going through my paperwork and my process, my boss seemed quite happy with what I had done so far. At one point he said, “You are better at this then you think you are.”

That means a lot. And it tells a lot about my self-esteem as of late. I need to keep remembering that while yes, I am here to learn, I also got into this program for a reason, because I have skills in this field, and I am good at things. So often it can feel like you’re overwhelmed in learning so many new things at once that it feels like you are such an idiot. Deep breathes and rearing all of the confidence you have left gets projects done though. And here we are! We start the build for my show tomorrow! (Although that can’t happen since we don’t have lumber or my build drawings yet, but it’s fiiiiiiine.)

Saturday afternoon I decided that I would attempt to make pierogi for the first time in four years, which felt daunting but fantastic. Since I’ve been gluten-free, I’ve really only missed beer and pierogi, so it felt good to take a crack at making it gluten free, and I think it came out better than I expected it to! It is a bit bland though, so I will have to ramp up my flavor game the next time around, but they sealed really well in the boil, and sautéed beautifully!

Saturday night I went to my second college party as an adult, which was good for me, at least in respect to going all in and taking chances. Kimberly decided that she wasn’t in the party mood, so I was going alone which just ramped up my anxiety ten fold. I was pretty on the fence about going the later it got, but I just told myself to knock it off, you’ll be fine, put on a sexy dress and fake it til you make it.

I took an uber there, and I walk in and I immediately felt old. But I just shut my brain hole up, opened my bottle of wine, and stood there awkwardly while undergrads  scream sang ABBA. One of the guys from the program asked if I wanted to play beer pong which I was so thankful for, and then I found my groove. Man, beer pong is so much fun. I don’t know if I will ever feel too old for it. My complete memory of the night ends there though, I know I called an Uber to leave eventually and it was the same guy who drove me there in the beginning, so that was very fun. And I know I woke up to a snapchat of Carleigh saying, “I thought you left your bottle of wine at the house, but then I picked it up and it was empty.” And that is the exact reason why I have an awesome hangover today. I wanted to start writing this earlier but I was just too off still.

When I was in undergrad, I don’t remember having hangovers. I remember waking up still drunk, which in the grand scheme of drinking, is the way to go. Now, my hangovers last ALL DAY. I haven’t been able to put pants on, I scooped pasta into a bowl with my hands, and my butt has made a permanent dent in my love seat. I even googled “delivery service for Gatorade”. I’m clearly thriving. I certainly need a couple of weeks to recuperate before I do anything like this again, but alas, being old is hard; and life is hard when it happens to you.

In the beautiful song from the beatiful Julie Andrews, from her beautiful mouth, ” And mind me with eash step I am more certain, Everything will turn out fine. I have confidence the world can all be mine, They’ll have to agree I have confidence in me. ”

 

Love,

Aubrey

Bitches get stitches

Hello friends!

Today I’m going to complain and whine a lot. So I’m apologizing now as while you are reading this you may start to shout out, “Jesus Christ Aubrey you are an adult shut up.”That being said.

Today I woke up and was like I’m going to look decent today because I don’t have to be a carpenter I just have to sit on my computer and draft all day. Wardrobe, assemble! Skinny jeans! Check! Cleaveagy top! Yeah! Flowy shawl! Go! Lipstick! Purple!

GoooooooOOOOOOOOO AUBREYYYYYYYYY.

You get it, right?

So I had class, learned more about how to use the computer program that haunts my dreams, and then I’m like, I’m going to go get coffee before I start drafting! What a grand idea! Plus I look so nice, la la la la la. So I get a coffee for me and an iced chai for Kimberly and I start walking back to the Theater. Here’s where all of our worst social nightmares happen.

I go to walk upstairs, a simple task you’d think, and I trip over my foot, because walking is hard, and I fall down the stairs, spilling hot coffee all over me, in the student union, during lunch time. It takes every fiber of my being to not start sobbing. Someone kind of took the hot coffee cup and threw it away for me, the iced chair, fully intact, and I essentially run to the bathroom. I’m very sore and I just want to wash the coffee off of me. I wash my arms off and I notice 2 good cuts on my arms, I look down more, my knee is bleeding a bit. UGH.

So I wobble, literally, over to the Theater, still trying more than ever to not start crying. I put down the iced chai, I go to the medicine cabinet to get a band-aid, and go into the bathroom where the millisecond I closed the door I just start weeping. Tears just splashing off of the ground; its real cute.

I take my pants off, because I’m wearing skinny jeans… AWESOME CHOICE. I look down at my knee where I assume I cut myself a bit, and there is a clean, straight gash in the center of my knee, gushing. Now I start sobbing more, I don’t know why. Maybe because it feels like I can’t catch a break these last couple of weeks. So now I’m in a bathroom stall, weeping like Anne Hathaway in Les Miserables, with my pants around my ankles, and blood running down my leg. HAPPY TUESDAY GUYS.

I can’t do anything in this state, obviously, so I call Kimberly:

Aubrey: Hey, how squeamish are you?

Kimberly: Not that much.

Aubrey: Great, please come to the bathroom.

–Kimberly walks in–

Aubrey: I’m not wearing any pants!

Kimberly: That’s okay!

Aubrey: It needs stitches doesn’t it.

Kimberly: I mean, yeah.

So she calmed me down, wrapped me up, and off to the health center we went! We walked in the door, I said, “Hello, I have a gash on my leg”. The front desk girl kind of look horrified, and ushered us immediately into a room. Kimberly helps me take my shoes and pants off (I know and she didn’t even buy me dinner first).

Nurse and Doctor killed it; I love having 4 women in a room talk about all of the head injuries their brother has had. They numb and stitch me up, and then poke me with a tetanus and flu shot. Kimberly loves me and asks, “Do you have any pretty band aids. We need the good ones.” The nurse is essentially like, hell fucking yeah, and so now I have cool Jonathan Bandaids on my arm. (Jonathan is the husky mascot for UConn and him and his brother are the cutest, most goodest doggos that the world has ever seen.)

And off we go, back to the Theater! Kimberly essentially walks circles around me as I hobble back, but man, she is such a good mom! She asked the doctor all of the questions that I wouldn’t have, like, “What are her limitations? Can we have a note for work? What is the after care like?” You know, the important things. And you guys. She held my hand and literally wiped tears off of my face. And she tied my shoes for me. Like stop it, I feel so lucky that the person I get to spend the next 3 years with is kind, hilarious, and as loud as I am.

Also I just want to take a moment to bask in a small piece of glory which is my health insurance. To some, this may not seem like a bit deal but it is so important. After I turned 26 I remember how hard it was for me to find the right insurance. I remember how expensive it was, even going through my ex’s employers. And then once I was on my own, finding a job where they would help pay for it. To some this sounds silly, but another huge pro in going back to grad school was the health insurance. Because I technically work for the college with my Assistantship, I get insurance through them, and because I’m apart of the graduate union that cares about me, they fought for this; plus the monthly payments get taken out of my paycheck and are very minimal. It feels so good to have great insurance again that I’m not paying an arm and a leg for.

But anyways, we get back to the theater, jokes jokes jokes Aubrey is a clutz, how do you get stitches from walking up stairs? LOLZ.

I try to draft, but I can’t get comfortable since I can’t bend my knee, plus I’m still in a lot of pain, so I go home, and cry the whole way.

These last two weeks have been trying, just between being sick and now this, it’s been feeling especially lonely. I am such a baby when these things happen to me, and I just want to whine and be cared for. Even before I met my ex, I had my room mates who would care for me, many times much to their chagrin. It’s weird being truly alone now. I called my mom earlier and just wanted to be home for her to help me.

I tried to draft more once I got home but I really can’t concentrate today. Hopefully tomorrow will be better and I’ll be less swollen. The bruising is already started, I can’t wait to literally look like a rainbow. When I got home, it took me a good 10 minutes to take off my jeans and put on sweatpants. I’m not allowed to bend, lift, go up stairs, all those normal human things until next week when I get the stitches out. So I mostly had wine for dinner and that helped a bit.

But I’m really fine. I just am very good at whining. And crying. OH MAN am I good at crying… Gotta add it to the resume.

Today’s lyrics are a favorite headbanger of my dads; Drowning Pool says it best, “Let the bodies hit the floor, let the bodies hit the floor, let the bodies hit the floor, let the bodies hit the floor. ”

 

Love,

Aubrey

 

 

 

Party in the USA

Hello friends!

Today I’m going to take a break from talking about my dating life to talk about what Grad school is like.

When I first came in about a month ago, I was absolutely terrified. I came in on the first day with just zero confidence in my abilities and anxiety sweated through my shirt. Literally.

I just kept thinking, why am I here!? I don’t know what I’m doing! I barely know how to make actual scenery. Everyone here already knows how to use Autocad, even some of the undergrads. FUCK. What did I get myself into?

After 2 weeks of that I finally had a deep breath and remembered, I wouldn’t be here if they didn’t think I could do this. I wouldn’t be here if I couldn’t bring something to the table. I’m here for a reason; to learn.

I need to keep reminding myself of that, especially in times of self doubt. I feel very fortunate to have an advisor and teacher who has repeatedly said to me, its okay to fail. Be confident! Confidently say the wrong answer! That’s okay! So I’m getting better. And today I probably feel the most confident in myself so far. I’m starting to budget and research my first show as a Technical Director, and I LOVE paperwork and organization. I know I’m good at it and it makes me so happy.

I’m also totally finding my groove here with the friendships I’ve started to make. In fact, I was even invited to my first college party on Saturday. I was definitely the oldest person there, but I’m pretty used to that by now. I’m just calling it, “life experience”.

There was a bonfire and I played flip cup and scream sang “fergilicous”. So a successful party all around. The next morning, one of my big dreams came true. I got to go to the two-story Wegmans in Natick, MA. And let me tell you, it’s everything you’ve ever wanted in a Wegmans.

I went with my two friends, Kimberly (my possible future wife who I talked about in my last post), and our friend Carleigh. They had never been to a Wegmans before, and I have converted them into believers! The first floor was the cafe, florals, produce and meat, the bottom floor was everything else, INCLUDING the best liquor store ever where they had 19 Crimes Uprising for $7.48 a bottle. So I bought 4.

Everywhere you looked was new and beautiful and sparkly and amazing. I was definitely not disappointed. We had lunch in the cafe, it’s just so good. Inside there is a tequila bar and restaurant that I really want to go back to. It looks so nice and like honestly that may be my dream date. Go to the tequila bar for dinner and drinks, and then go shopping in that Wegmans afterwards. THAT’S THE DREAM.

When we got back to my apartment, we had a fun girls night full of snacks, crafting, wine, and Hocus Pocus. WHICH THEY ALSO HAD NEVER SEEN.

I don’t think they liked it. They kept saying that Bette Midler was too scary and I don’t think they liked the musical numbers. WRONG ITS A PERFECT MOVIE. But it’s fine.

But hooray for new friends! I was a little nervous about going to that party on Saturday, meeting new people and putting yourself out there can be hard. But I’m so glad we went and had such a good time. As I keep going on the journey, I need to remember that it’s okay to stop to take a breathe, have courage, and just go forth with the best version of yourself. I can’t ask for more than that.

Today I will leave you with lyrics from a song by The Bad Suns, Defeated. The lyrics may sound sad and defeatist, but I like them and it makes me feel better. “I don’t want to be left alone, uncompleted. No, I don’t want to be all alone and defeated.

 

Love,

Aubrey

 

The Conquests of Tinder

Hello friends!

Let’s continue on this journey; So last we left off, its January and I take on Tinder. As I’ve been gearing up to write about this I realized that I’m still friendly with 3 out of the 4 guys I’ve dated and am friends with them on social media so I won’t be using their names, although if they read this they will definitely know who they are. But it doesn’t matter because this isn’t for them, it’s for me! And I suppose also, for your enjoyment.

So first off, tinder is the worst. I downloaded this app and didn’t realize how much it’s really based on first impressions. I guess I should’ve known it’s primarily for hooking up, is that right?

Do people even read the bios? The first profile I made has like, a huge about me section, and as I used it more, the smaller it got. Now it is a few vague things about me and then a quote from, “The Office”.

It makes me feel kind of skeazy when I use it. Like most of my decisions are based on what the guy looks like, and I truly believe that personality is where it counts. But whatever. Also I feel like when you first get it, you have so many matches, and the longer you use it the less you get and the sadder it is. But when I first downloaded it, my phone was so dingy and I felt so good about myself.

So I had been talking to this guy for a little bit and we exchanged phone numbers and we sent pictures of our dogs and so we decided that we should go out. Not because of the dogs, but I’m lying, because of the dogs. We decide that we’re going to meet at this bar near both of us for drinks. Then, the day of he texts me and says that his roommates are actually going to come too and we’re all going to play pool together and I’m like, actually that’ll be great because then maybe I won’t be so awkward. Then he’s like okay you can meet us at our place and we’ll uber over together, and I’m like, great, so this is when I’ll be murdered.

So I take an uber over to their place and I obviously have my knife on me because no one is going to murder me on my watch, and turns out he lives with his best friend and his girlfriend, which is great because now there’s another girl and if nothing else if she tries to murder me, I know I can defend myself against her.

We actually end up having a great time, and then we end up dating for a couple of months and everything’s great until one day we day drink too much, go out to a bar, he’s louder than I have ever been in my life, and he ends up telling the restaurant that he loves me. For some reason, that didn’t scare me away, we keep dating and he meets my parents on St. Patrick’s day. They do not like him. So soon after we stop dating. Womp womp.

Now I take a break from the online dating for a bit until I obviously get bored with having no friends and I decide I’ll give OkCupid a try. I’ve heard good things, one of my best friends met her fiance on it, they obviously liked it, so why the hell not. I make a profile, I answer a ton of questions, I like this more than Tinder. It feels way more real and less appearance based. I start talking to this one guy, he’s real great and real nerdy. Perfect. That’s what I want in a relationship.

We decide to meet up, and we meet at his place. I bring a knife so I don’t get murdered. He’s great and we end up dating for a while. He now meets my parents and my best friends who also met on OkCupid, on my birthday, and for some reason he’s not scared away by this. He does however run to my house for this occasion. Yes I said this correctly; run. Like on his legs, like miles. Why? Because he felt like he hadn’t run enough that week and he needed to train for his tough mudder. Do you want to know what Aubrey never does? You guessed it. It’s run. Because it hurts and it’s horrible and it makes me feel like throwing up and also when you have big boobs, you do not run. It’s science, bitch.

But that’s fine, you do you. But ew. Running.

Anyways. He’s great, although I will tell you now that I have anxiety, dating people is hard for me. Because with this guy I start to have real feelings for him, which is terrifying, which makes me have stomach ulcers. And I don’t think that’s healthy. So before I leave for vacation we chat and decide that this isn’t going to work because I’m moving to Connecticut and long distance doesn’t work great. Womp womp.

–Aubrey’s on vacation for a couple of weeks loving life in Oregon——-

Aubrey gets back from Oregon and needs to pack her life away to move to Connecticut. But what does she also do, go on OkCupid because she’s bored!

So I meet this other guy, he’s great, we go out for drinks. I have my knife on my skirt in case he wants to murder me. I see him twice before I leave. It’s a great connection, it sucks that I’m leaving, he says, well just because you’re moving doesn’t mean we have to end things. Okay, so what does that mean to you? Because to me that means great, we’re going to see if we can make this work. Apparently to him it means keep talking to Aubrey daily and then when she says that he should come visit, he freaks out that this is too much because he’s never dated anyone longer than a month or two and this is too much… Womp womp.

So here’s where I swear off dating for the time being.

Then I got bored and re-downloaded Tinder.

Now we are somewhat in the current time of my life. I meet this guy and he’s great. Real cute, lots of tattoos, has a picture of his cat in his profile. Done. We decide to go out, but then we’re texting and he says, “I could use a drink tonight after work”, and we both love Jameson, I have two bottles at my apartment.

So he comes over to my apartment.

I have my knife in case he wants to murder me. He doesn’t and we have a great time, we hang out a bunch more. I meet some of his friends, they’re great. His cats are real cute. Done.

Then one night he has me over and he makes dinner. Adorable. I’m pretty sure it was the best chicken I’ve ever eaten. Literally I’m not joking. We have a great time. Then I go to use his bathroom, I look down and in the garbage is a feminine pad and it’s definitely not mine. I instantly get nauseous, say I’m real tired and that I have to leave. I then sob the whole car ride home. I’m sure that there is a rational explanation to this, but in that moment I just couldn’t deal. When you start to really like someone and then you realize that there is a possibility that they either don’t feel the same way, or may be “dating” other people, your head kind of gets real floofy.

And like, when did this “being exclusive” thing start? I feel like when I started first dating people that wasn’t a thing. You went out a couple of times, you both really liked each other, boom, you’re dating each other. And that was it. Now everything’s this convoluted bullshit of what are we? Are you seeing other people? Are we exclusive? Blah blah blah blah blahhhhhhhhh. I don’t like it.

So here’s the fun thing about this then, just like that, I have no idea what we are. I haven’t seen him in over a week but we talk every day, I mean text. Millenials don’t know how to call people, obviously. But I really like him, so I guess we’ll see what happens. One time, he said “relationship”, so that’s a thing. And he’s read my other two posts, and texted me asking if I was going to talk about him in this blog, and here we are!

Dating is real weird guys! I don’t even know how to do this. I’m literally making it up as I go. But what I do know is to trust my gut. Always. While life can be lonely at times, it’s much more important to me to be true to myself. I shared a video of me screach-crying over a picture of a mini horse and I got a lot of responses from friends over-joyed at my response because it is a very true depiction of who I really am. This last guy that I’ve been talking about said in response to it, ” Lol so dramatic.” And for a second there, I started re-thinking everything that I was.

Was I too dramatic? What kind of impression am I giving off in the world? And then my new best friend, possible husband, and fellow Graduate Assistant looked at me and said, “Absolutely not. You are my favorite person. I showed this video to Trevor (her person she is very fond of), and he said, “she is a pure human. Keep her.””

— UPDATE: Kimberly read this, texted me, and said, “Why am I the husband? Let’s both be the wives, boys are useless.” And I agree. So please re-read that last paragraph as, “new best friend, possible wife, and fellow Graduate Assistant…”—-

And right then and there I immediately straightened myself out and said damn straight! I am fucking dramatic. And I do cry laugh at mini horses. And that’s just who I am. And if you don’t like it, then guess what, you don’t have to date me. You don’t even have to like me. Because one thing is for sure, the thing that I’ve learned throughout this whole new chapter of my life. I don’t give a fuck if you like me. I never have, and I never will. Do you think it’s dramatic that I walk into the fine arts building with a viking hat and light saber? Guess what? I DON’T CARE. Because I did that! 2010 baby! And I’ll do it again, any time, any day.

I will do things in spite of you, whoever you are. If you tell me that you don’t like a certain word? Guess what? I’m going to say that word in every sentence that I ever speak to you. Always.

I’m just that kind of asshole. And I love myself for it.

 

In the immortal words of the Goddess Kesha. ” Don’t buy me a drink, I make my money. Don’t touch my weave, don’t call me honey. I’m a motherfucking woman.”

 

Love,

Aubrey

 

Emotions… am I right?

Hello friends!

Before I start this post, I just wanted to firstly thank everyone who has reached out with their love and support for me and this blog. It was amazingly overwhelming the amount of personal messages that I’ve been receiving about how my first post related to so many of you. If my experiences and words can help anyone, even just for a second, then that is truly amazing and I am so honored.

So today I thought we could continue chronologically into this new journey for me. I sort of ended my story yesterday with moving back to my parents house back around Thanksgiving. I just want to give a warning here that this is going to become very personal, candid, and upsetting. At least for this part, on a different day I will tell you all about how I screach-cried from joy from seeing a picture of a mini horse.

While I am so blessed to have parents who were willing and able to let me move back in with them, it certainly faced its challenges. I hadn’t lived with them full-time in almost 10 years, and it definitely felt like I had failed. I knew no one in Syracuse anymore, so now I was 27, getting a divorce, living with my parents, unemployed, with no friends around me, and very, very sad. I made a playlist called “sad piano” and would just listen to it on repeat. People told me not to do that, that it would make things worse, but man, no one wants to listen to Ke$ha when their upset; You need Adele, 4 blankets covering you, a bottle of wine, an oversized t-shirt that says, “Kiss me, I’m polish” that you’ve now spilled wine all over, a block of cheese, and another blanket for good measure.

My sister said that I cried myself to sleep most nights. I don’t really remember the specifics of that time, I just remember this overwhelming sadness that I never thought I would get over. I had this pit in my stomach that burned into my throat, and it just sat there, day and night. I have experienced a lot of traumatic, heart-wrenching times in my life before this, but this was uncharted territory; sad doesn’t accurately describe how horrible I was feeling, and I just didn’t want to be alive anymore. Truly, not to gloss over this, but depression and feeling hopeless is such a heavy burden that no matter how much love or compassion people show you, it just doesn’t help.

I am so grateful to all of my friends, but I know that I wouldn’t have gotten through this period of my life without my parents. They were so selfless and loving and supported me in ways I never knew I would need. I feel like I need to spend the rest of my life thanking them and finding ways to show them how much they mean to me because I truly don’t know what I would’ve done if they hadn’t done everything that they did for me. I’m sitting on my couch sobbing as I write this because I just… I just love Lori and Dave Ellis so god damn much. Thank you for shaping me into the woman I am today.

 

——————————15 minute intermission to find more tissues————————-

 

Okay, I’m back. I want to use this platform to say all of the things that I need to say, and so admitting that I was afflicted with that much pain is very difficult. If you’re still with me here, then I want to thank you. Thank you now, and thank you for reaching out back then when I so desperately needed it. If I didn’t respond to you, please know that I just couldn’t find the words then. If I did reach out to you, thank you for being there for me in my time of crisis. Your love saved me. Truly.

Thankfully, I was able to find my footing. But now I am experiencing anxiety for the first time… Yes I know, I feel very lucky to have just started this fun adventure of having a knot in my stomach, cold-sweats, nausea, palpitations, and an impending feeling of doom.

Apparently, for 27 years, I just did and said whatever I wanted, felt no consequence, and didn’t give any fucks about what anyone thought about me ever. Ahhh… what a simpler time.

Now, when I go out with a guy, I end up having to suddenly leave because I think I may start throwing up, and then all of my built up stress causes kidney stones! Huzzah! Great evolutionary trait, Aubrey!

Eventually though, I did get a job, and I was going to graduate school interviews, and feeling more and more like my old self. I have no tried and true method to how this happened; I can certainly tell you that it didn’t happen over night. It took months for me to feel comfortable in my own skin again. But one day, someone in my family looked at me and said, “Hey, the old Aubrey is back!” Thank god. From what I experienced, there is no wrong way to grieve. Your feelings and emotions are truly unique to you, and whatever you need to do to make yourself feel whole, then you should do that. I cried alot, drank more, reached out to friends, and leaned on my family 110%.

Occasionally I would have small realizations about my previous life and whenever that happened, I would write them down in a notebook. Often, they were things about my ex, but more often then not, they were reasons why I was better off. Soon they turned into qualities I wanted in my next partner. I had compromised so much in my previous relationship, that I now had a list of non-negotiables. I’ll share some with you; I can’t remember everything right off of the top of my head, of course I only remember the very silly ones, but to me, they are very important.

  1. They have to want to dance with me.
  2. They have to want to wear hilarious halloween costumes.
  3. They will never tell me that I’m too loud.

 

In January I had finally built up the courage to take on the adventure that is dating apps! What a weird thing guys! They didn’t have these things back in 2010, and man oh man, do I dislike them. Alas, at the end of January, I went on my first date in almost 7 years.

How do you even know when you’re ready to date again!? Was I ready? Did I even want to go? What do you talk about? Will it be weird if I meow at him? What if I get too drunk because I have no tolerance anymore and I laugh and whiskey comes out of my nose?

In my next post, I’m going to divulge what it’s like to date again, talk about the absurdities of tindr, tell you about the four guys that I’ve gone out with, and I don’t know, probably go on about how Jameson is the best whiskey? Yeah, that sounds right.

Thank you for going on today’s emotional roller coaster with me. We got through the tough part, now onto my hilarities and hi-jinks.

But for tonight, I will leave you with the words from Adele. Even though her songs have a a sad piano vibe to them, she still helped me in my time of need. “I can’t keep up with your turning tables. Under your thumb, I can’t breathe. So I won’t let you close enough to hurt me.”

 

Love,

Aubrey