A Tropical Depression

Hello friends!

Man oh man it’s been a while! Things have definitely got away from me as I am now starting to enter the, “I have no life because grad school” mentality.

We’ve already struck our first show, we’re in tech for another, and we’re in the 3rd build week for my show. I am drafting better and better everyday, but I’m still no pro. Not even close.

We’ve passed midterms now, my welding project was a bit of a disappointment for me, but I certainly learned a lot, which is really the whole point. We had one week to make something and I decided I wanted to make a wind chime that looked like a jelly fish. When I started the project, my boss said that he didn’t think it would be able to happen how I wanted it to, and boy was he right.

Unfortunately I never listen, especially to nay sayers, and went along with it anyways. I wasn’t able to work on it as much as I had hoped since some things got in my way with the build of my upcoming show. So it ended up looking VERY organic, but it sounds great. I kept telling people to just close their eyes when they look at it, because the intonation of the copper tubes I used sounded really lovely.

Right now my life feels very messy. The stress from my show is really getting to me, and I’ve had 3 panic attacks in less than 12 hours. It’s enough that it makes me want to talk to a doctor about this again, but all of the anxiety medicine makes me feel like a zombie and I would hate that more I think.

Plus the last time I talked to a doctor about this, I didn’t get the greatest response. I actually completely forgot about this interaction until recently when I was looking through my medical history to send to UConn. I was looking through at the notes from the appointment I made about my overwhelming anxiety after my ex and I broke up after being together for almost 7 years. The diagnosis was, “Anxiety, extreme depression, obesity.”

COOL COOL COOL COOL COOL

Like, I know I’m no model of health, but let’s calm down. Also, I’m coming to you to talk about how I don’t want to be alive anymore, but yeah let’s dig a deeper hole about how overweight I am. That’ll totally help.

How do some people have medical degrees?

That being said, I am currently laying in my bed eating cheese. But also, self care. After all of my anxiety today, I got home, took a bath, poured myself a glass of wine, and now I’m here to talk it out. Of course living a healthy life style can certainly improve mental health, but right now I just don’t think some carrots and yoga is going to do the trick.

I do feel lucky that I can identify when I am having a panic attack atleast. Kimberly was saying that one of her friends is starting to have some but doesn’t know how to handle herself, which is super understandable. When I first started having attacks, I had no clue what was going on, and so I would try to act as normal as possible, which would really just make it worse.

Now I can feel my heart rate elevate, I start to sweat, I get this knot in my chest and that’s when I know I need to excuse myself. I like to go to the bathroom, bend down holding onto the sink so my arms are above my head, and then I cry if I need to and get back to breathing regular again. Then I splash cold water on my face, chest and neck. It usually takes about 5-10 minutes for me to return to normal, but I’ve found it the best way to calm myself down.

I also feel lucky to have surrounded myself with new friends at school who understand that this is a problem I face, and who give me the space and love to overcome it. They all know that I hate hugs, so they do this thing where they reach out their hand and put it on my forehead, and that is weirdly comforting.

Alas, I have faith that tomorrow will be a brighter and better day.

Today I leave you with the words from not a song, but my favorite podcast, “Jordan Jesse Go!” This was their catch phrase from last year. “Go punch a blimp!”

Love,

Aubrey

I have confidence in sunshine

Hello Friends!

Today I just want to talk about my life as of right now.

So I still have stitches in my knee, I will hopefully be getting those out on Tuesday, and then can resume all normal human activity. I’m feeling alright, a bit sore and still bruised but at least my dignity is recovering slightly. I’m getting very antsy about getting the stitches out though, as they are very itchy and all I want to do is bend my knee.

Two posts ago I talked about this guy, T, that I had been seeing. After I posted that, he completely ignored me for a couple of days. So I texted him and asked if he wasn’t speaking to me because I had gotten him sick or because he read my post and didn’t like it? He responded a day later saying it made him feel weird. I responded saying, well then let’s talk about why it made you feel weird. And I haven’t heard from him since. Womp womp.

It’s interesting dating as a 28-year-old; if this situation were happening when I was 20, I think I would be way more bothered and probably almost begging him for attention. But now it’s more of a relief. Like weeding out the negative people in your life, why would you want to have that person be apart of your world?

After this last Tindr experience, I’ve decided that I am done with the dating apps. I know that they have actually worked for a lot of people, including many of my close friends, but for now, I’m finally getting comfortable with who I am, and for now that needs to be enough. If I meet someone organically, then fantastic, but I’m done trying to force things.

It goes back to having my unrealistic expectations of people; I try to idealize how situations and dates will play out and they will never happen how I envision them. So in the meantime, I will just be the overly loud, dramatic, crazy person who I love to be.

Not only am I feeling more confident in my self, but also in my abilities. I’ve been learning Autocad more and more, and I have drafted almost all of my set now! At least in groundplan form… I still need to break out the pieces separately to build, but I’ll start that tomorrow.

On Friday I did more budget type things with my boss, as we have ordered all of the lumber, fabric, and various other details for the set. When we were going through my paperwork and my process, my boss seemed quite happy with what I had done so far. At one point he said, “You are better at this then you think you are.”

That means a lot. And it tells a lot about my self-esteem as of late. I need to keep remembering that while yes, I am here to learn, I also got into this program for a reason, because I have skills in this field, and I am good at things. So often it can feel like you’re overwhelmed in learning so many new things at once that it feels like you are such an idiot. Deep breathes and rearing all of the confidence you have left gets projects done though. And here we are! We start the build for my show tomorrow! (Although that can’t happen since we don’t have lumber or my build drawings yet, but it’s fiiiiiiine.)

Saturday afternoon I decided that I would attempt to make pierogi for the first time in four years, which felt daunting but fantastic. Since I’ve been gluten-free, I’ve really only missed beer and pierogi, so it felt good to take a crack at making it gluten free, and I think it came out better than I expected it to! It is a bit bland though, so I will have to ramp up my flavor game the next time around, but they sealed really well in the boil, and sautéed beautifully!

Saturday night I went to my second college party as an adult, which was good for me, at least in respect to going all in and taking chances. Kimberly decided that she wasn’t in the party mood, so I was going alone which just ramped up my anxiety ten fold. I was pretty on the fence about going the later it got, but I just told myself to knock it off, you’ll be fine, put on a sexy dress and fake it til you make it.

I took an uber there, and I walk in and I immediately felt old. But I just shut my brain hole up, opened my bottle of wine, and stood there awkwardly while undergrads  scream sang ABBA. One of the guys from the program asked if I wanted to play beer pong which I was so thankful for, and then I found my groove. Man, beer pong is so much fun. I don’t know if I will ever feel too old for it. My complete memory of the night ends there though, I know I called an Uber to leave eventually and it was the same guy who drove me there in the beginning, so that was very fun. And I know I woke up to a snapchat of Carleigh saying, “I thought you left your bottle of wine at the house, but then I picked it up and it was empty.” And that is the exact reason why I have an awesome hangover today. I wanted to start writing this earlier but I was just too off still.

When I was in undergrad, I don’t remember having hangovers. I remember waking up still drunk, which in the grand scheme of drinking, is the way to go. Now, my hangovers last ALL DAY. I haven’t been able to put pants on, I scooped pasta into a bowl with my hands, and my butt has made a permanent dent in my love seat. I even googled “delivery service for Gatorade”. I’m clearly thriving. I certainly need a couple of weeks to recuperate before I do anything like this again, but alas, being old is hard; and life is hard when it happens to you.

In the beautiful song from the beatiful Julie Andrews, from her beautiful mouth, ” And mind me with eash step I am more certain, Everything will turn out fine. I have confidence the world can all be mine, They’ll have to agree I have confidence in me. ”

 

Love,

Aubrey

Bitches get stitches

Hello friends!

Today I’m going to complain and whine a lot. So I’m apologizing now as while you are reading this you may start to shout out, “Jesus Christ Aubrey you are an adult shut up.”That being said.

Today I woke up and was like I’m going to look decent today because I don’t have to be a carpenter I just have to sit on my computer and draft all day. Wardrobe, assemble! Skinny jeans! Check! Cleaveagy top! Yeah! Flowy shawl! Go! Lipstick! Purple!

GoooooooOOOOOOOOO AUBREYYYYYYYYY.

You get it, right?

So I had class, learned more about how to use the computer program that haunts my dreams, and then I’m like, I’m going to go get coffee before I start drafting! What a grand idea! Plus I look so nice, la la la la la. So I get a coffee for me and an iced chai for Kimberly and I start walking back to the Theater. Here’s where all of our worst social nightmares happen.

I go to walk upstairs, a simple task you’d think, and I trip over my foot, because walking is hard, and I fall down the stairs, spilling hot coffee all over me, in the student union, during lunch time. It takes every fiber of my being to not start sobbing. Someone kind of took the hot coffee cup and threw it away for me, the iced chair, fully intact, and I essentially run to the bathroom. I’m very sore and I just want to wash the coffee off of me. I wash my arms off and I notice 2 good cuts on my arms, I look down more, my knee is bleeding a bit. UGH.

So I wobble, literally, over to the Theater, still trying more than ever to not start crying. I put down the iced chai, I go to the medicine cabinet to get a band-aid, and go into the bathroom where the millisecond I closed the door I just start weeping. Tears just splashing off of the ground; its real cute.

I take my pants off, because I’m wearing skinny jeans… AWESOME CHOICE. I look down at my knee where I assume I cut myself a bit, and there is a clean, straight gash in the center of my knee, gushing. Now I start sobbing more, I don’t know why. Maybe because it feels like I can’t catch a break these last couple of weeks. So now I’m in a bathroom stall, weeping like Anne Hathaway in Les Miserables, with my pants around my ankles, and blood running down my leg. HAPPY TUESDAY GUYS.

I can’t do anything in this state, obviously, so I call Kimberly:

Aubrey: Hey, how squeamish are you?

Kimberly: Not that much.

Aubrey: Great, please come to the bathroom.

–Kimberly walks in–

Aubrey: I’m not wearing any pants!

Kimberly: That’s okay!

Aubrey: It needs stitches doesn’t it.

Kimberly: I mean, yeah.

So she calmed me down, wrapped me up, and off to the health center we went! We walked in the door, I said, “Hello, I have a gash on my leg”. The front desk girl kind of look horrified, and ushered us immediately into a room. Kimberly helps me take my shoes and pants off (I know and she didn’t even buy me dinner first).

Nurse and Doctor killed it; I love having 4 women in a room talk about all of the head injuries their brother has had. They numb and stitch me up, and then poke me with a tetanus and flu shot. Kimberly loves me and asks, “Do you have any pretty band aids. We need the good ones.” The nurse is essentially like, hell fucking yeah, and so now I have cool Jonathan Bandaids on my arm. (Jonathan is the husky mascot for UConn and him and his brother are the cutest, most goodest doggos that the world has ever seen.)

And off we go, back to the Theater! Kimberly essentially walks circles around me as I hobble back, but man, she is such a good mom! She asked the doctor all of the questions that I wouldn’t have, like, “What are her limitations? Can we have a note for work? What is the after care like?” You know, the important things. And you guys. She held my hand and literally wiped tears off of my face. And she tied my shoes for me. Like stop it, I feel so lucky that the person I get to spend the next 3 years with is kind, hilarious, and as loud as I am.

Also I just want to take a moment to bask in a small piece of glory which is my health insurance. To some, this may not seem like a bit deal but it is so important. After I turned 26 I remember how hard it was for me to find the right insurance. I remember how expensive it was, even going through my ex’s employers. And then once I was on my own, finding a job where they would help pay for it. To some this sounds silly, but another huge pro in going back to grad school was the health insurance. Because I technically work for the college with my Assistantship, I get insurance through them, and because I’m apart of the graduate union that cares about me, they fought for this; plus the monthly payments get taken out of my paycheck and are very minimal. It feels so good to have great insurance again that I’m not paying an arm and a leg for.

But anyways, we get back to the theater, jokes jokes jokes Aubrey is a clutz, how do you get stitches from walking up stairs? LOLZ.

I try to draft, but I can’t get comfortable since I can’t bend my knee, plus I’m still in a lot of pain, so I go home, and cry the whole way.

These last two weeks have been trying, just between being sick and now this, it’s been feeling especially lonely. I am such a baby when these things happen to me, and I just want to whine and be cared for. Even before I met my ex, I had my room mates who would care for me, many times much to their chagrin. It’s weird being truly alone now. I called my mom earlier and just wanted to be home for her to help me.

I tried to draft more once I got home but I really can’t concentrate today. Hopefully tomorrow will be better and I’ll be less swollen. The bruising is already started, I can’t wait to literally look like a rainbow. When I got home, it took me a good 10 minutes to take off my jeans and put on sweatpants. I’m not allowed to bend, lift, go up stairs, all those normal human things until next week when I get the stitches out. So I mostly had wine for dinner and that helped a bit.

But I’m really fine. I just am very good at whining. And crying. OH MAN am I good at crying… Gotta add it to the resume.

Today’s lyrics are a favorite headbanger of my dads; Drowning Pool says it best, “Let the bodies hit the floor, let the bodies hit the floor, let the bodies hit the floor, let the bodies hit the floor. ”

 

Love,

Aubrey

 

 

 

Come on get down with the sickness

Hello friends!

Wowee it’s been a bit since I’ve posted anything! This week has been a bit nuts as we are in Tech for Grapes of Wrath, and so in true Theatrical fashion, I have come down with the plague.

I was feeling fine until I woke up Tuesday morning. My head was pounding, and I was sitting in class, sniffling, my head hurting so much that I couldn’t think straight. Then my boss asked me a question that I didn’t know the answer to, and I just started sobbing. And so I sat there and cried for 15 minutes, in class, waiting for it to be over. I had a straight up panic attack induced by sickness. It was so embarrassing.

I kept trying to get myself over it, but I’m one of those people who when others try to comfort them, I start weeping more, so nothing helped. I was supposed to work the rest of the day on the show, but the TD for it, I think being nervous I would start crying at him more, Facebook messaged me saying, “psssst… you can go home. I think you need to be on your couch in a blanket while watching kittens pretend to be dogs.” Man, these people get me already, I’m so lucky. So I went home and slept the rest of the day.

When I got up the next morning I still felt sick but had to keep going, so Dayquil and coffee helped me survive long tech days Wednesday and Thursday.

By Thursday night I was actually feeling a lot better. I thought, huzzah! I’m not really sick! And so here’s where I talk about dating again. Because I’m just so confused. And the guy that I’m seeing reads my blog so, hiiii! I’m going to talk about you and ask this blog all of the questions I have that I can’t eloquently ask you in person because words are hard and I talk in circles and when I write words down it makes more sense, I think.

Also here’s where maybe any parent figures of mine stop reading because I’m going to talk about sex. Okay great!

So the guy that I’m seeing texts me when I get out of work on Thursday and says, “Come cuddle”. And while I’m like yes I haven’t seen him in two weeks I want to do that, I’m also just leaving from work, I haven’t eaten, I’m covered in grease and sawdust, and I’m real tired. So I tell him I’m not going to his place, but he can come to mine, or I’m free all weekend. He says he’s busy this weekend but can come over tonight. So great, he’s coming over, I shower, eat, pickup, he comes over and within 10 minutes of him being here we have sex. Awesome.

So after we’re just chatting, drinking a little, I put on drunk history and we start to talk about my amazing, life-changing trip to the two-story Wegmans. I ask him if he loves Wegmans, and he says, “I mean it’s fine, I don’t really like shopping.”

….

I’m sorry. What? My brain does not even comprehend what he just says. So I’m like no, this isn’t shopping, it’s an experience. It’s TWO FLOORS. With a tequila bar inside. And a full liquor store downstairs. And it’s beautiful. Because it’s Wegmans.

He’s like, I mean, Aldi’s is great because it’s cheap. Which is like, valid. But not the same. Wegmans is a sanctuary. By now I can’t tell if he actually doesn’t like Wegmans or is just teasing me, but I’m literally upset. I have never met a human who feels this way. So I text my Office Estrogen girls and I’m like, “WHAT THE ACTUAL FUCK. Let’s murder him, we need to rid humanity of this disease.” And these girls are my ride or die bitches and I love it. Kimberly says, “I mean there are a lot of other chips in the bag.” Carleigh makes an excellent point in saying, ” If he read your blog the FIRST thing he should do is be like, “heyo bitch wanna go on a Wegmans dinner and food shopping date?” IDIOTS THEY’RE ALL IDIOTS”.

Fucking truth bomb.

I eventually make myself forget all of the hurtful things he said to me, we go to bed, and then I start dying. Like literally it’s as if while I was laying in bed, the grim reaper came and sprinkled bits of the bubonic plague on me and laughed. All of a sudden I was SO sick. I think he… is this confusing? Referring to him as he? Okay I’m just going to call him T. Maybe that will be easier to follow? Let me know.

Anyways, I think T also thinks I’m dying and is a little worried, but we kind of sleep, he leaves in the morning but barely wants to interact with me, I’m not reading into this too much, it’s early and I have the plague.

So I go to work, I take medicine and I text him.

Aubrey: “Death has swooped over me. I’m sorry if you develop the plague now.”

T: “I’m feeling ok for now. Hopefully I survive.”

Aubrey: “May the odds be ever in your favor.”

T: “Graci. If I get sick tho, this relationship is over. Lol (emoji face).”

….

I’m sorry, what did you just say? Was I having a stroke? Did you just write, “relationship”? I’m just… so confused.

I haven’t seen you in two weeks, in that time, we maybe texted each other a couple times, and snapchatted about the same. Nothing big, really only to see how each of us were doing/feeling. Now you come over, for essentially a booty call and you’re going to call this a relationship?

Now I’m not angry about this, although I don’t know how my tone is reading, I’m just really confused. Because if I’m in a relationship, I think I would know it. I would call you my boyfriend, and instead I literally called him my dick appointment. To which, he didn’t like but also didn’t try to correct me.

To me, being in a relationship carries more co-dependency; literally talking, even if it’s on the phone, not just texting. And it’s definitely seeing each other more than every two weeks, unless you’re long distance, but in this case we are not. It’s little things, like now as I’m dying of the plague, checking in to see if I’m okay, seeing if I need anything. It’s knowing what you’re doing this weekend, I don’t need all of the nitty-gritty details, just the outline. It’s hanging out with each others friends and doing things together, even if it’s just sitting on the couch watching a movie. And I’m not saying these things because I don’t want to be in a relationship with T, I’d love to, these are just the things I want if I am in a relationship.

I think for me the hardest part about dating is getting rid of unrealistic expectations, and it is my biggest downfall. I blame movies and tv shows for making us watch these beautiful ideals that will rarely ever be a reality. I am always expecting the person that I’m seeing to make huge romantic gestures; showing up at my door randomly with flowers; Surprising me with a trip to the two-story Wegmans with a reservation for dinner at the tequila bar, you know the usual. But then sometimes I watch things and I just feel like this is how life should work, and it really doesn’t. Like literally last night I was watching Trainwreck and Bill Haders character looks at Amy Shumer and says, “I like you, I think you like me. We should be a couple.” AGREED THAT IS HOW DATING SHOULD WORK. But it never is, it’s always like what are we? Are we exclusive? Do we need any rules? NO, JUST BE MY BOYFRIEND AND LETS DO ALL OF THE THINGS TOGETHER.

But we don’t say any of those things because we are afraid that if we show too much interest too fast, they’ll get scared and run away. But like, I am so all or nothing. I will always tell you how I feel and if that’s too much for you, then I’m too much for you and it’s not going to work. While expressing some of these fears to Kimberly, she said something very similar, “I go all in, I’m from Vegas. High risk, high reward. On my fourth date with Trevor, I told him I loved him, and he said it back. So it’s worth it.” I’ve never done anything slow or super thought-out, so why start now?

So then I’m thinking about these unrealistic expectations that I have created for myself, and I think of other things that I see the couples in my life doing for each other, and maybe it’s not all that unrealistic. Like, two of my professors from undergrad are married to each other, and John gives Marjean a tiny pumpkin every fall, and he’s done this every year since they’ve met. LIKE STOP IM SOBBING. It’s things like my dad calling my mom, “My queen.” It just makes my heart melt. And while I know those things develop over years of marriage, is it too much to ask to want some of those things now?

There is this stigma that woman are complicated, that we can’t just say what we want or feel. But I don’t think that’s true. I don’t want to play games, and so I don’t. I want to be in relationship, I want to go apple picking and make dinner together, I like being somewhat co-dependent. I want to talk to you before I go to bed, and hear about your day. It’s just who I am. While I am all about being a strong independent woman who doesn’t need a man, I want one. I like having that other person to bounce ideas off of and to mutually support each other. I like being apart of a team. Sex is great and all, but when all is said and done, I want more than that.

Anyways, I also like being an asshole, and so in response to T’s relationship text, I said, ” Oh I thought it was already over. Since you don’t like Wegmans. Obviously.”

Then I went on about my day as per usual, did a lot of carpentry and rigging things for the show, but by like 3:30 I was fading fast. My medicine wasn’t doing it anymore, I was sneezing and coughing so much and my nose was like a faucet. I started to sound like I had been smoking a pack a day since I was 16. So when I left work, I called my mom to ask what I should take to make this go away. Yes, I call my mom about everything because as I said, I’m very co-dependent and also when I’m sick, I’m even worse and am a little whiney baby who wants everyone to help her.

So I go to CVS, talk to the pharmacist, I buy everything that they said I could take together, go home, take it all and make soup. I’m in bed by 10, sleeping like a baby, enjoying my fever dreams.

I still don’t feel awesome today, so I am quarantined to my couch and bed, which is such a fucking shame since I have the weekend off and it is a beautiful fall day outside… oh well. Atleast inside, no one will hear my whining.

And so for today, I will leave you with words from Hozier, also living that unrealistic expectation life. ” She’s gonna save me call me baby run her hands through my hair. She’ll know me crazy, soothe me daily, but yet she wouldn’t care. We’ll steal her Lexus, be detectives, ride round pickin up clues. We’ll name our children Jackie and Wilson, raise em on rhythm and blues.”

 

Love,

Aubrey

 

Party in the USA

Hello friends!

Today I’m going to take a break from talking about my dating life to talk about what Grad school is like.

When I first came in about a month ago, I was absolutely terrified. I came in on the first day with just zero confidence in my abilities and anxiety sweated through my shirt. Literally.

I just kept thinking, why am I here!? I don’t know what I’m doing! I barely know how to make actual scenery. Everyone here already knows how to use Autocad, even some of the undergrads. FUCK. What did I get myself into?

After 2 weeks of that I finally had a deep breath and remembered, I wouldn’t be here if they didn’t think I could do this. I wouldn’t be here if I couldn’t bring something to the table. I’m here for a reason; to learn.

I need to keep reminding myself of that, especially in times of self doubt. I feel very fortunate to have an advisor and teacher who has repeatedly said to me, its okay to fail. Be confident! Confidently say the wrong answer! That’s okay! So I’m getting better. And today I probably feel the most confident in myself so far. I’m starting to budget and research my first show as a Technical Director, and I LOVE paperwork and organization. I know I’m good at it and it makes me so happy.

I’m also totally finding my groove here with the friendships I’ve started to make. In fact, I was even invited to my first college party on Saturday. I was definitely the oldest person there, but I’m pretty used to that by now. I’m just calling it, “life experience”.

There was a bonfire and I played flip cup and scream sang “fergilicous”. So a successful party all around. The next morning, one of my big dreams came true. I got to go to the two-story Wegmans in Natick, MA. And let me tell you, it’s everything you’ve ever wanted in a Wegmans.

I went with my two friends, Kimberly (my possible future wife who I talked about in my last post), and our friend Carleigh. They had never been to a Wegmans before, and I have converted them into believers! The first floor was the cafe, florals, produce and meat, the bottom floor was everything else, INCLUDING the best liquor store ever where they had 19 Crimes Uprising for $7.48 a bottle. So I bought 4.

Everywhere you looked was new and beautiful and sparkly and amazing. I was definitely not disappointed. We had lunch in the cafe, it’s just so good. Inside there is a tequila bar and restaurant that I really want to go back to. It looks so nice and like honestly that may be my dream date. Go to the tequila bar for dinner and drinks, and then go shopping in that Wegmans afterwards. THAT’S THE DREAM.

When we got back to my apartment, we had a fun girls night full of snacks, crafting, wine, and Hocus Pocus. WHICH THEY ALSO HAD NEVER SEEN.

I don’t think they liked it. They kept saying that Bette Midler was too scary and I don’t think they liked the musical numbers. WRONG ITS A PERFECT MOVIE. But it’s fine.

But hooray for new friends! I was a little nervous about going to that party on Saturday, meeting new people and putting yourself out there can be hard. But I’m so glad we went and had such a good time. As I keep going on the journey, I need to remember that it’s okay to stop to take a breathe, have courage, and just go forth with the best version of yourself. I can’t ask for more than that.

Today I will leave you with lyrics from a song by The Bad Suns, Defeated. The lyrics may sound sad and defeatist, but I like them and it makes me feel better. “I don’t want to be left alone, uncompleted. No, I don’t want to be all alone and defeated.

 

Love,

Aubrey

 

Emotions… am I right?

Hello friends!

Before I start this post, I just wanted to firstly thank everyone who has reached out with their love and support for me and this blog. It was amazingly overwhelming the amount of personal messages that I’ve been receiving about how my first post related to so many of you. If my experiences and words can help anyone, even just for a second, then that is truly amazing and I am so honored.

So today I thought we could continue chronologically into this new journey for me. I sort of ended my story yesterday with moving back to my parents house back around Thanksgiving. I just want to give a warning here that this is going to become very personal, candid, and upsetting. At least for this part, on a different day I will tell you all about how I screach-cried from joy from seeing a picture of a mini horse.

While I am so blessed to have parents who were willing and able to let me move back in with them, it certainly faced its challenges. I hadn’t lived with them full-time in almost 10 years, and it definitely felt like I had failed. I knew no one in Syracuse anymore, so now I was 27, getting a divorce, living with my parents, unemployed, with no friends around me, and very, very sad. I made a playlist called “sad piano” and would just listen to it on repeat. People told me not to do that, that it would make things worse, but man, no one wants to listen to Ke$ha when their upset; You need Adele, 4 blankets covering you, a bottle of wine, an oversized t-shirt that says, “Kiss me, I’m polish” that you’ve now spilled wine all over, a block of cheese, and another blanket for good measure.

My sister said that I cried myself to sleep most nights. I don’t really remember the specifics of that time, I just remember this overwhelming sadness that I never thought I would get over. I had this pit in my stomach that burned into my throat, and it just sat there, day and night. I have experienced a lot of traumatic, heart-wrenching times in my life before this, but this was uncharted territory; sad doesn’t accurately describe how horrible I was feeling, and I just didn’t want to be alive anymore. Truly, not to gloss over this, but depression and feeling hopeless is such a heavy burden that no matter how much love or compassion people show you, it just doesn’t help.

I am so grateful to all of my friends, but I know that I wouldn’t have gotten through this period of my life without my parents. They were so selfless and loving and supported me in ways I never knew I would need. I feel like I need to spend the rest of my life thanking them and finding ways to show them how much they mean to me because I truly don’t know what I would’ve done if they hadn’t done everything that they did for me. I’m sitting on my couch sobbing as I write this because I just… I just love Lori and Dave Ellis so god damn much. Thank you for shaping me into the woman I am today.

 

——————————15 minute intermission to find more tissues————————-

 

Okay, I’m back. I want to use this platform to say all of the things that I need to say, and so admitting that I was afflicted with that much pain is very difficult. If you’re still with me here, then I want to thank you. Thank you now, and thank you for reaching out back then when I so desperately needed it. If I didn’t respond to you, please know that I just couldn’t find the words then. If I did reach out to you, thank you for being there for me in my time of crisis. Your love saved me. Truly.

Thankfully, I was able to find my footing. But now I am experiencing anxiety for the first time… Yes I know, I feel very lucky to have just started this fun adventure of having a knot in my stomach, cold-sweats, nausea, palpitations, and an impending feeling of doom.

Apparently, for 27 years, I just did and said whatever I wanted, felt no consequence, and didn’t give any fucks about what anyone thought about me ever. Ahhh… what a simpler time.

Now, when I go out with a guy, I end up having to suddenly leave because I think I may start throwing up, and then all of my built up stress causes kidney stones! Huzzah! Great evolutionary trait, Aubrey!

Eventually though, I did get a job, and I was going to graduate school interviews, and feeling more and more like my old self. I have no tried and true method to how this happened; I can certainly tell you that it didn’t happen over night. It took months for me to feel comfortable in my own skin again. But one day, someone in my family looked at me and said, “Hey, the old Aubrey is back!” Thank god. From what I experienced, there is no wrong way to grieve. Your feelings and emotions are truly unique to you, and whatever you need to do to make yourself feel whole, then you should do that. I cried alot, drank more, reached out to friends, and leaned on my family 110%.

Occasionally I would have small realizations about my previous life and whenever that happened, I would write them down in a notebook. Often, they were things about my ex, but more often then not, they were reasons why I was better off. Soon they turned into qualities I wanted in my next partner. I had compromised so much in my previous relationship, that I now had a list of non-negotiables. I’ll share some with you; I can’t remember everything right off of the top of my head, of course I only remember the very silly ones, but to me, they are very important.

  1. They have to want to dance with me.
  2. They have to want to wear hilarious halloween costumes.
  3. They will never tell me that I’m too loud.

 

In January I had finally built up the courage to take on the adventure that is dating apps! What a weird thing guys! They didn’t have these things back in 2010, and man oh man, do I dislike them. Alas, at the end of January, I went on my first date in almost 7 years.

How do you even know when you’re ready to date again!? Was I ready? Did I even want to go? What do you talk about? Will it be weird if I meow at him? What if I get too drunk because I have no tolerance anymore and I laugh and whiskey comes out of my nose?

In my next post, I’m going to divulge what it’s like to date again, talk about the absurdities of tindr, tell you about the four guys that I’ve gone out with, and I don’t know, probably go on about how Jameson is the best whiskey? Yeah, that sounds right.

Thank you for going on today’s emotional roller coaster with me. We got through the tough part, now onto my hilarities and hi-jinks.

But for tonight, I will leave you with the words from Adele. Even though her songs have a a sad piano vibe to them, she still helped me in my time of need. “I can’t keep up with your turning tables. Under your thumb, I can’t breathe. So I won’t let you close enough to hurt me.”

 

Love,

Aubrey

 

 

The Journey Begins

 

Hello friends,

Welcome to my blog where I will use these posts as my therapy in order to help me navigate dating in 2018, the healing process after a breakup, graduate school woes, and just being a millennial in general. You are more than welcome on this journey of self discovery as I will attempt to figure out what will actually make me happy.

I’m starting this blog because I’ve been feeling anxious and confused about how I should go about doing…life. It all started a little less than a year ago when my ex, then husband, told me out of the blue that he didn’t love me anymore and wanted a divorce.

Ah, men.

Because this is my first blog post, for now I will just give you a brief introduction to why I am the way that I am. I started dating this guy when I was 20 years old, a junior in college. A year later, he proposed and being a stupid young person I said, why the hell not. We loved each other, it’d be fiiiiiiine. Unfortunately we grew apart, but I just assumed that my unhappiness was apart of marriage and being an adult. I’ve been told since then that that is not necessarily true. Weird. He didn’t go about the breakup how one should… and long story short, I am now a 28 year old divorcee.

Now, I’m not on here to bash my ex, in fact I want this blog to really have nothing to do with him. But to understand why I am having the problems that I have now, you kind of need to know my back story. And isn’t that what therapy is all about? Bringing up all past events and emotions to accurately pinpoint why you are so fucked up in the first place?

But back to me being blindsided… I guess I dealt with it pretty well. I was devastated for a little less than two weeks, but in that time, I had figured out that I would first of all, move back home to my parents so that I could have a support system, but also that I would be going to Graduate school. In the two weeks from when I was told that I was unloveable, I quit my job, started packing up all of my belongings, and started setting up graduate school interviews and creating a portfolio. People told me they were proud of me and blah blah blahhhhhh… I was just coping. It’s no use just sitting around crying all of the time. Now mind you, I definitely did that, and still do sometimes. Not because I miss my ex or anything, but in less than a year, my life has dramatically changed; now this is a story all about how my life got flipped turned upside down…

Sorry I couldn’t help it. I am no Fresh Prince. And I’ve never been to Bel Air.

My current life situation is that I accepted a Graduate Assistantship at UConn where in three years I will receive my MFA in Technical Direction. I am living on my own for the first time in my whole entire life, and my apartment is just the cutest.There are so many colors everywhere, and so many candles; it is my sanctuary.

And while all of these amazing things are happening, I still feel this overwhelming sense of loneliness. I have some of the most amazing friends and family surrounding me with love, and yet I still feel like I’m just cast off. I’m sure it’s because I’ve always had a person there that was mine. That I could lean on and they could help me fix even the smallest of dilemmas. And now, it’s really all up to me. And I need that, I know that I do. But it’s still just weird.

Anyways, I don’t want to make this first post too long, as I don’t want to scare you off too quickly now. I have many topics that I want to cover in these therapy sessions and I can’t burn through all of them quite yet.

I may do this blog daily, perhaps every other day? We’ll see… grad school is already proving very tiresome. But I believe that writing my thoughts and feelings down may help me realize what I really want in life, and also, I think this may be cheaper than going to see an actual therapist.

In future posts, I want to talk about dating apps, cooking for one person, MLA formatting, why I know how easy it is to become a crazy cat lady, mini horses, and this over arching idea that for some reason, there is a notion out there that women are complicated.

For now, I will leave you with this lyric, as in my times of loneliness I reach out to my friend Kyle. “Someone is on your side. No one is alone.”

 

Love, Aubrey