Wowee it’s been a bit since I’ve posted anything! This week has been a bit nuts as we are in Tech for Grapes of Wrath, and so in true Theatrical fashion, I have come down with the plague.
I was feeling fine until I woke up Tuesday morning. My head was pounding, and I was sitting in class, sniffling, my head hurting so much that I couldn’t think straight. Then my boss asked me a question that I didn’t know the answer to, and I just started sobbing. And so I sat there and cried for 15 minutes, in class, waiting for it to be over. I had a straight up panic attack induced by sickness. It was so embarrassing.
I kept trying to get myself over it, but I’m one of those people who when others try to comfort them, I start weeping more, so nothing helped. I was supposed to work the rest of the day on the show, but the TD for it, I think being nervous I would start crying at him more, Facebook messaged me saying, “psssst… you can go home. I think you need to be on your couch in a blanket while watching kittens pretend to be dogs.” Man, these people get me already, I’m so lucky. So I went home and slept the rest of the day.
When I got up the next morning I still felt sick but had to keep going, so Dayquil and coffee helped me survive long tech days Wednesday and Thursday.
By Thursday night I was actually feeling a lot better. I thought, huzzah! I’m not really sick! And so here’s where I talk about dating again. Because I’m just so confused. And the guy that I’m seeing reads my blog so, hiiii! I’m going to talk about you and ask this blog all of the questions I have that I can’t eloquently ask you in person because words are hard and I talk in circles and when I write words down it makes more sense, I think.
Also here’s where maybe any parent figures of mine stop reading because I’m going to talk about sex. Okay great!
So the guy that I’m seeing texts me when I get out of work on Thursday and says, “Come cuddle”. And while I’m like yes I haven’t seen him in two weeks I want to do that, I’m also just leaving from work, I haven’t eaten, I’m covered in grease and sawdust, and I’m real tired. So I tell him I’m not going to his place, but he can come to mine, or I’m free all weekend. He says he’s busy this weekend but can come over tonight. So great, he’s coming over, I shower, eat, pickup, he comes over and within 10 minutes of him being here we have sex. Awesome.
So after we’re just chatting, drinking a little, I put on drunk history and we start to talk about my amazing, life-changing trip to the two-story Wegmans. I ask him if he loves Wegmans, and he says, “I mean it’s fine, I don’t really like shopping.”
I’m sorry. What? My brain does not even comprehend what he just says. So I’m like no, this isn’t shopping, it’s an experience. It’s TWO FLOORS. With a tequila bar inside. And a full liquor store downstairs. And it’s beautiful. Because it’s Wegmans.
He’s like, I mean, Aldi’s is great because it’s cheap. Which is like, valid. But not the same. Wegmans is a sanctuary. By now I can’t tell if he actually doesn’t like Wegmans or is just teasing me, but I’m literally upset. I have never met a human who feels this way. So I text my Office Estrogen girls and I’m like, “WHAT THE ACTUAL FUCK. Let’s murder him, we need to rid humanity of this disease.” And these girls are my ride or die bitches and I love it. Kimberly says, “I mean there are a lot of other chips in the bag.” Carleigh makes an excellent point in saying, ” If he read your blog the FIRST thing he should do is be like, “heyo bitch wanna go on a Wegmans dinner and food shopping date?” IDIOTS THEY’RE ALL IDIOTS”.
Fucking truth bomb.
I eventually make myself forget all of the hurtful things he said to me, we go to bed, and then I start dying. Like literally it’s as if while I was laying in bed, the grim reaper came and sprinkled bits of the bubonic plague on me and laughed. All of a sudden I was SO sick. I think he… is this confusing? Referring to him as he? Okay I’m just going to call him T. Maybe that will be easier to follow? Let me know.
Anyways, I think T also thinks I’m dying and is a little worried, but we kind of sleep, he leaves in the morning but barely wants to interact with me, I’m not reading into this too much, it’s early and I have the plague.
So I go to work, I take medicine and I text him.
Aubrey: “Death has swooped over me. I’m sorry if you develop the plague now.”
T: “I’m feeling ok for now. Hopefully I survive.”
Aubrey: “May the odds be ever in your favor.”
T: “Graci. If I get sick tho, this relationship is over. Lol (emoji face).”
I’m sorry, what did you just say? Was I having a stroke? Did you just write, “relationship”? I’m just… so confused.
I haven’t seen you in two weeks, in that time, we maybe texted each other a couple times, and snapchatted about the same. Nothing big, really only to see how each of us were doing/feeling. Now you come over, for essentially a booty call and you’re going to call this a relationship?
Now I’m not angry about this, although I don’t know how my tone is reading, I’m just really confused. Because if I’m in a relationship, I think I would know it. I would call you my boyfriend, and instead I literally called him my dick appointment. To which, he didn’t like but also didn’t try to correct me.
To me, being in a relationship carries more co-dependency; literally talking, even if it’s on the phone, not just texting. And it’s definitely seeing each other more than every two weeks, unless you’re long distance, but in this case we are not. It’s little things, like now as I’m dying of the plague, checking in to see if I’m okay, seeing if I need anything. It’s knowing what you’re doing this weekend, I don’t need all of the nitty-gritty details, just the outline. It’s hanging out with each others friends and doing things together, even if it’s just sitting on the couch watching a movie. And I’m not saying these things because I don’t want to be in a relationship with T, I’d love to, these are just the things I want if I am in a relationship.
I think for me the hardest part about dating is getting rid of unrealistic expectations, and it is my biggest downfall. I blame movies and tv shows for making us watch these beautiful ideals that will rarely ever be a reality. I am always expecting the person that I’m seeing to make huge romantic gestures; showing up at my door randomly with flowers; Surprising me with a trip to the two-story Wegmans with a reservation for dinner at the tequila bar, you know the usual. But then sometimes I watch things and I just feel like this is how life should work, and it really doesn’t. Like literally last night I was watching Trainwreck and Bill Haders character looks at Amy Shumer and says, “I like you, I think you like me. We should be a couple.” AGREED THAT IS HOW DATING SHOULD WORK. But it never is, it’s always like what are we? Are we exclusive? Do we need any rules? NO, JUST BE MY BOYFRIEND AND LETS DO ALL OF THE THINGS TOGETHER.
But we don’t say any of those things because we are afraid that if we show too much interest too fast, they’ll get scared and run away. But like, I am so all or nothing. I will always tell you how I feel and if that’s too much for you, then I’m too much for you and it’s not going to work. While expressing some of these fears to Kimberly, she said something very similar, “I go all in, I’m from Vegas. High risk, high reward. On my fourth date with Trevor, I told him I loved him, and he said it back. So it’s worth it.” I’ve never done anything slow or super thought-out, so why start now?
So then I’m thinking about these unrealistic expectations that I have created for myself, and I think of other things that I see the couples in my life doing for each other, and maybe it’s not all that unrealistic. Like, two of my professors from undergrad are married to each other, and John gives Marjean a tiny pumpkin every fall, and he’s done this every year since they’ve met. LIKE STOP IM SOBBING. It’s things like my dad calling my mom, “My queen.” It just makes my heart melt. And while I know those things develop over years of marriage, is it too much to ask to want some of those things now?
There is this stigma that woman are complicated, that we can’t just say what we want or feel. But I don’t think that’s true. I don’t want to play games, and so I don’t. I want to be in relationship, I want to go apple picking and make dinner together, I like being somewhat co-dependent. I want to talk to you before I go to bed, and hear about your day. It’s just who I am. While I am all about being a strong independent woman who doesn’t need a man, I want one. I like having that other person to bounce ideas off of and to mutually support each other. I like being apart of a team. Sex is great and all, but when all is said and done, I want more than that.
Anyways, I also like being an asshole, and so in response to T’s relationship text, I said, ” Oh I thought it was already over. Since you don’t like Wegmans. Obviously.”
Then I went on about my day as per usual, did a lot of carpentry and rigging things for the show, but by like 3:30 I was fading fast. My medicine wasn’t doing it anymore, I was sneezing and coughing so much and my nose was like a faucet. I started to sound like I had been smoking a pack a day since I was 16. So when I left work, I called my mom to ask what I should take to make this go away. Yes, I call my mom about everything because as I said, I’m very co-dependent and also when I’m sick, I’m even worse and am a little whiney baby who wants everyone to help her.
So I go to CVS, talk to the pharmacist, I buy everything that they said I could take together, go home, take it all and make soup. I’m in bed by 10, sleeping like a baby, enjoying my fever dreams.
I still don’t feel awesome today, so I am quarantined to my couch and bed, which is such a fucking shame since I have the weekend off and it is a beautiful fall day outside… oh well. Atleast inside, no one will hear my whining.
And so for today, I will leave you with words from Hozier, also living that unrealistic expectation life. ” She’s gonna save me call me baby run her hands through my hair. She’ll know me crazy, soothe me daily, but yet she wouldn’t care. We’ll steal her Lexus, be detectives, ride round pickin up clues. We’ll name our children Jackie and Wilson, raise em on rhythm and blues.”