Systematic failure of Men

I don’t know what it is lately, but it seems like a lot of guys want to hook up with me…  but that’s it.

 

I refuse to think that it’s something that I’m doing because I’m not leading anyone on, I’m super upfront with the fact that I’m looking to find love; a real relationship. I always act like myself- stupid and goofy. And I pride myself on the fact that I cry over mini-horses; I have no shame.

I don’t understand why it’s so hard to understand why I wouldn’t want to sleep with someone who doesn’t want to be with me.

What happened to dating someone for a second before you immediately had sex. Like I get it, sex it great, but it’s really not everything. Like at all.

I feel like it’s our society that’s failing at this. We have such a huge hookup culture now because of online dating, that not only is it near impossible to actually meet someone naturally, but then when you do, goodluck trying to have a real connection with them above physicality.

 

It all feels like a cop out. When guys say that they aren’t ready to be in a relationship, or that they’ve never had one longer than a few months, I just want to grab them by the ear and yell into it, “Shut the fuck up and take a chance already! “

Everything you’re spewing is just a whiney, little- boy excuse.

And if you have that much insecurity and trust-issues; GO TO THERAPY. There is nothing to be ashamed of. It’s amazing and truly helps you work out your demons. I go and I love it. I truly think everyone should go no matter what their situation is (as long as it’s in your means).

ugh. Another rant about men. But like, I wouldn’t complain if I had went on a date over this last year and a half where sex wasn’t mentioned atleast once. But it was, and it was always initiated by the guy.

Is there nothing else that goes on in your brain? There has to be… right? RIGHT?

I’m not prude, but like, I promise there is more to life…. right? RIGHT?

Or just be upfront with people. Use your words. How are you actually feeling? What do you really want?

It just feels like sincerity has died.

 

And now time to tackle the age old myth that, “Women are Complicated”. Because you guys love to use this against us. Here it is- the secret to making us swoon.

-pick the place that we’re going. Don’t ask us even- just pick it. I’ll already be 50% less stressed out

-buy us flowers. Not every time, but like maybe a single stem on the first date? Maybe on the fifth date a couple more?  Or, don’t want to buy us cut flowers since they’ll soon die? Buy us a potted plant! A little succulent or something; How fun and quirky! And as long as we don’t kill it, we’ll have something to remember you by. I’m not saying you have to spend almost any money- but I swear, we won’t forget that you brought us flowers. It will put a smile on our face for the rest of the day, and we will tell everyone how sweet it was that you did that.

– don’t talk about money or cars. It’s gross, we don’t care, and again, there has to be something more interesting about you then what you make and how you spend it.

-Be honest. Be up-front. Pretend your mom is there, how would you act then? That’s how we always want you to act. And if it’s horrible, then you’re a bad person and goodbye.

 

Anyways, to all those girls out there dating and struggling to be seen for who you really are, please know that you are not alone, you are so beautiful; inside and out, and you will find someone to be weird with.

A Tropical Depression

Hello friends!

Man oh man it’s been a while! Things have definitely got away from me as I am now starting to enter the, “I have no life because grad school” mentality.

We’ve already struck our first show, we’re in tech for another, and we’re in the 3rd build week for my show. I am drafting better and better everyday, but I’m still no pro. Not even close.

We’ve passed midterms now, my welding project was a bit of a disappointment for me, but I certainly learned a lot, which is really the whole point. We had one week to make something and I decided I wanted to make a wind chime that looked like a jelly fish. When I started the project, my boss said that he didn’t think it would be able to happen how I wanted it to, and boy was he right.

Unfortunately I never listen, especially to nay sayers, and went along with it anyways. I wasn’t able to work on it as much as I had hoped since some things got in my way with the build of my upcoming show. So it ended up looking VERY organic, but it sounds great. I kept telling people to just close their eyes when they look at it, because the intonation of the copper tubes I used sounded really lovely.

Right now my life feels very messy. The stress from my show is really getting to me, and I’ve had 3 panic attacks in less than 12 hours. It’s enough that it makes me want to talk to a doctor about this again, but all of the anxiety medicine makes me feel like a zombie and I would hate that more I think.

Plus the last time I talked to a doctor about this, I didn’t get the greatest response. I actually completely forgot about this interaction until recently when I was looking through my medical history to send to UConn. I was looking through at the notes from the appointment I made about my overwhelming anxiety after my ex and I broke up after being together for almost 7 years. The diagnosis was, “Anxiety, extreme depression, obesity.”

COOL COOL COOL COOL COOL

Like, I know I’m no model of health, but let’s calm down. Also, I’m coming to you to talk about how I don’t want to be alive anymore, but yeah let’s dig a deeper hole about how overweight I am. That’ll totally help.

How do some people have medical degrees?

That being said, I am currently laying in my bed eating cheese. But also, self care. After all of my anxiety today, I got home, took a bath, poured myself a glass of wine, and now I’m here to talk it out. Of course living a healthy life style can certainly improve mental health, but right now I just don’t think some carrots and yoga is going to do the trick.

I do feel lucky that I can identify when I am having a panic attack atleast. Kimberly was saying that one of her friends is starting to have some but doesn’t know how to handle herself, which is super understandable. When I first started having attacks, I had no clue what was going on, and so I would try to act as normal as possible, which would really just make it worse.

Now I can feel my heart rate elevate, I start to sweat, I get this knot in my chest and that’s when I know I need to excuse myself. I like to go to the bathroom, bend down holding onto the sink so my arms are above my head, and then I cry if I need to and get back to breathing regular again. Then I splash cold water on my face, chest and neck. It usually takes about 5-10 minutes for me to return to normal, but I’ve found it the best way to calm myself down.

I also feel lucky to have surrounded myself with new friends at school who understand that this is a problem I face, and who give me the space and love to overcome it. They all know that I hate hugs, so they do this thing where they reach out their hand and put it on my forehead, and that is weirdly comforting.

Alas, I have faith that tomorrow will be a brighter and better day.

Today I leave you with the words from not a song, but my favorite podcast, “Jordan Jesse Go!” This was their catch phrase from last year. “Go punch a blimp!”

Love,

Aubrey