Party in the USA

Hello friends!

Today I’m going to take a break from talking about my dating life to talk about what Grad school is like.

When I first came in about a month ago, I was absolutely terrified. I came in on the first day with just zero confidence in my abilities and anxiety sweated through my shirt. Literally.

I just kept thinking, why am I here!? I don’t know what I’m doing! I barely know how to make actual scenery. Everyone here already knows how to use Autocad, even some of the undergrads. FUCK. What did I get myself into?

After 2 weeks of that I finally had a deep breath and remembered, I wouldn’t be here if they didn’t think I could do this. I wouldn’t be here if I couldn’t bring something to the table. I’m here for a reason; to learn.

I need to keep reminding myself of that, especially in times of self doubt. I feel very fortunate to have an advisor and teacher who has repeatedly said to me, its okay to fail. Be confident! Confidently say the wrong answer! That’s okay! So I’m getting better. And today I probably feel the most confident in myself so far. I’m starting to budget and research my first show as a Technical Director, and I LOVE paperwork and organization. I know I’m good at it and it makes me so happy.

I’m also totally finding my groove here with the friendships I’ve started to make. In fact, I was even invited to my first college party on Saturday. I was definitely the oldest person there, but I’m pretty used to that by now. I’m just calling it, “life experience”.

There was a bonfire and I played flip cup and scream sang “fergilicous”. So a successful party all around. The next morning, one of my big dreams came true. I got to go to the two-story Wegmans in Natick, MA. And let me tell you, it’s everything you’ve ever wanted in a Wegmans.

I went with my two friends, Kimberly (my possible future wife who I talked about in my last post), and our friend Carleigh. They had never been to a Wegmans before, and I have converted them into believers! The first floor was the cafe, florals, produce and meat, the bottom floor was everything else, INCLUDING the best liquor store ever where they had 19 Crimes Uprising for $7.48 a bottle. So I bought 4.

Everywhere you looked was new and beautiful and sparkly and amazing. I was definitely not disappointed. We had lunch in the cafe, it’s just so good. Inside there is a tequila bar and restaurant that I really want to go back to. It looks so nice and like honestly that may be my dream date. Go to the tequila bar for dinner and drinks, and then go shopping in that Wegmans afterwards. THAT’S THE DREAM.

When we got back to my apartment, we had a fun girls night full of snacks, crafting, wine, and Hocus Pocus. WHICH THEY ALSO HAD NEVER SEEN.

I don’t think they liked it. They kept saying that Bette Midler was too scary and I don’t think they liked the musical numbers. WRONG ITS A PERFECT MOVIE. But it’s fine.

But hooray for new friends! I was a little nervous about going to that party on Saturday, meeting new people and putting yourself out there can be hard. But I’m so glad we went and had such a good time. As I keep going on the journey, I need to remember that it’s okay to stop to take a breathe, have courage, and just go forth with the best version of yourself. I can’t ask for more than that.

Today I will leave you with lyrics from a song by The Bad Suns, Defeated. The lyrics may sound sad and defeatist, but I like them and it makes me feel better. “I don’t want to be left alone, uncompleted. No, I don’t want to be all alone and defeated.

 

Love,

Aubrey

 

The Conquests of Tinder

Hello friends!

Let’s continue on this journey; So last we left off, its January and I take on Tinder. As I’ve been gearing up to write about this I realized that I’m still friendly with 3 out of the 4 guys I’ve dated and am friends with them on social media so I won’t be using their names, although if they read this they will definitely know who they are. But it doesn’t matter because this isn’t for them, it’s for me! And I suppose also, for your enjoyment.

So first off, tinder is the worst. I downloaded this app and didn’t realize how much it’s really based on first impressions. I guess I should’ve known it’s primarily for hooking up, is that right?

Do people even read the bios? The first profile I made has like, a huge about me section, and as I used it more, the smaller it got. Now it is a few vague things about me and then a quote from, “The Office”.

It makes me feel kind of skeazy when I use it. Like most of my decisions are based on what the guy looks like, and I truly believe that personality is where it counts. But whatever. Also I feel like when you first get it, you have so many matches, and the longer you use it the less you get and the sadder it is. But when I first downloaded it, my phone was so dingy and I felt so good about myself.

So I had been talking to this guy for a little bit and we exchanged phone numbers and we sent pictures of our dogs and so we decided that we should go out. Not because of the dogs, but I’m lying, because of the dogs. We decide that we’re going to meet at this bar near both of us for drinks. Then, the day of he texts me and says that his roommates are actually going to come too and we’re all going to play pool together and I’m like, actually that’ll be great because then maybe I won’t be so awkward. Then he’s like okay you can meet us at our place and we’ll uber over together, and I’m like, great, so this is when I’ll be murdered.

So I take an uber over to their place and I obviously have my knife on me because no one is going to murder me on my watch, and turns out he lives with his best friend and his girlfriend, which is great because now there’s another girl and if nothing else if she tries to murder me, I know I can defend myself against her.

We actually end up having a great time, and then we end up dating for a couple of months and everything’s great until one day we day drink too much, go out to a bar, he’s louder than I have ever been in my life, and he ends up telling the restaurant that he loves me. For some reason, that didn’t scare me away, we keep dating and he meets my parents on St. Patrick’s day. They do not like him. So soon after we stop dating. Womp womp.

Now I take a break from the online dating for a bit until I obviously get bored with having no friends and I decide I’ll give OkCupid a try. I’ve heard good things, one of my best friends met her fiance on it, they obviously liked it, so why the hell not. I make a profile, I answer a ton of questions, I like this more than Tinder. It feels way more real and less appearance based. I start talking to this one guy, he’s real great and real nerdy. Perfect. That’s what I want in a relationship.

We decide to meet up, and we meet at his place. I bring a knife so I don’t get murdered. He’s great and we end up dating for a while. He now meets my parents and my best friends who also met on OkCupid, on my birthday, and for some reason he’s not scared away by this. He does however run to my house for this occasion. Yes I said this correctly; run. Like on his legs, like miles. Why? Because he felt like he hadn’t run enough that week and he needed to train for his tough mudder. Do you want to know what Aubrey never does? You guessed it. It’s run. Because it hurts and it’s horrible and it makes me feel like throwing up and also when you have big boobs, you do not run. It’s science, bitch.

But that’s fine, you do you. But ew. Running.

Anyways. He’s great, although I will tell you now that I have anxiety, dating people is hard for me. Because with this guy I start to have real feelings for him, which is terrifying, which makes me have stomach ulcers. And I don’t think that’s healthy. So before I leave for vacation we chat and decide that this isn’t going to work because I’m moving to Connecticut and long distance doesn’t work great. Womp womp.

–Aubrey’s on vacation for a couple of weeks loving life in Oregon——-

Aubrey gets back from Oregon and needs to pack her life away to move to Connecticut. But what does she also do, go on OkCupid because she’s bored!

So I meet this other guy, he’s great, we go out for drinks. I have my knife on my skirt in case he wants to murder me. I see him twice before I leave. It’s a great connection, it sucks that I’m leaving, he says, well just because you’re moving doesn’t mean we have to end things. Okay, so what does that mean to you? Because to me that means great, we’re going to see if we can make this work. Apparently to him it means keep talking to Aubrey daily and then when she says that he should come visit, he freaks out that this is too much because he’s never dated anyone longer than a month or two and this is too much… Womp womp.

So here’s where I swear off dating for the time being.

Then I got bored and re-downloaded Tinder.

Now we are somewhat in the current time of my life. I meet this guy and he’s great. Real cute, lots of tattoos, has a picture of his cat in his profile. Done. We decide to go out, but then we’re texting and he says, “I could use a drink tonight after work”, and we both love Jameson, I have two bottles at my apartment.

So he comes over to my apartment.

I have my knife in case he wants to murder me. He doesn’t and we have a great time, we hang out a bunch more. I meet some of his friends, they’re great. His cats are real cute. Done.

Then one night he has me over and he makes dinner. Adorable. I’m pretty sure it was the best chicken I’ve ever eaten. Literally I’m not joking. We have a great time. Then I go to use his bathroom, I look down and in the garbage is a feminine pad and it’s definitely not mine. I instantly get nauseous, say I’m real tired and that I have to leave. I then sob the whole car ride home. I’m sure that there is a rational explanation to this, but in that moment I just couldn’t deal. When you start to really like someone and then you realize that there is a possibility that they either don’t feel the same way, or may be “dating” other people, your head kind of gets real floofy.

And like, when did this “being exclusive” thing start? I feel like when I started first dating people that wasn’t a thing. You went out a couple of times, you both really liked each other, boom, you’re dating each other. And that was it. Now everything’s this convoluted bullshit of what are we? Are you seeing other people? Are we exclusive? Blah blah blah blah blahhhhhhhhh. I don’t like it.

So here’s the fun thing about this then, just like that, I have no idea what we are. I haven’t seen him in over a week but we talk every day, I mean text. Millenials don’t know how to call people, obviously. But I really like him, so I guess we’ll see what happens. One time, he said “relationship”, so that’s a thing. And he’s read my other two posts, and texted me asking if I was going to talk about him in this blog, and here we are!

Dating is real weird guys! I don’t even know how to do this. I’m literally making it up as I go. But what I do know is to trust my gut. Always. While life can be lonely at times, it’s much more important to me to be true to myself. I shared a video of me screach-crying over a picture of a mini horse and I got a lot of responses from friends over-joyed at my response because it is a very true depiction of who I really am. This last guy that I’ve been talking about said in response to it, ” Lol so dramatic.” And for a second there, I started re-thinking everything that I was.

Was I too dramatic? What kind of impression am I giving off in the world? And then my new best friend, possible husband, and fellow Graduate Assistant looked at me and said, “Absolutely not. You are my favorite person. I showed this video to Trevor (her person she is very fond of), and he said, “she is a pure human. Keep her.””

— UPDATE: Kimberly read this, texted me, and said, “Why am I the husband? Let’s both be the wives, boys are useless.” And I agree. So please re-read that last paragraph as, “new best friend, possible wife, and fellow Graduate Assistant…”—-

And right then and there I immediately straightened myself out and said damn straight! I am fucking dramatic. And I do cry laugh at mini horses. And that’s just who I am. And if you don’t like it, then guess what, you don’t have to date me. You don’t even have to like me. Because one thing is for sure, the thing that I’ve learned throughout this whole new chapter of my life. I don’t give a fuck if you like me. I never have, and I never will. Do you think it’s dramatic that I walk into the fine arts building with a viking hat and light saber? Guess what? I DON’T CARE. Because I did that! 2010 baby! And I’ll do it again, any time, any day.

I will do things in spite of you, whoever you are. If you tell me that you don’t like a certain word? Guess what? I’m going to say that word in every sentence that I ever speak to you. Always.

I’m just that kind of asshole. And I love myself for it.

 

In the immortal words of the Goddess Kesha. ” Don’t buy me a drink, I make my money. Don’t touch my weave, don’t call me honey. I’m a motherfucking woman.”

 

Love,

Aubrey

 

Emotions… am I right?

Hello friends!

Before I start this post, I just wanted to firstly thank everyone who has reached out with their love and support for me and this blog. It was amazingly overwhelming the amount of personal messages that I’ve been receiving about how my first post related to so many of you. If my experiences and words can help anyone, even just for a second, then that is truly amazing and I am so honored.

So today I thought we could continue chronologically into this new journey for me. I sort of ended my story yesterday with moving back to my parents house back around Thanksgiving. I just want to give a warning here that this is going to become very personal, candid, and upsetting. At least for this part, on a different day I will tell you all about how I screach-cried from joy from seeing a picture of a mini horse.

While I am so blessed to have parents who were willing and able to let me move back in with them, it certainly faced its challenges. I hadn’t lived with them full-time in almost 10 years, and it definitely felt like I had failed. I knew no one in Syracuse anymore, so now I was 27, getting a divorce, living with my parents, unemployed, with no friends around me, and very, very sad. I made a playlist called “sad piano” and would just listen to it on repeat. People told me not to do that, that it would make things worse, but man, no one wants to listen to Ke$ha when their upset; You need Adele, 4 blankets covering you, a bottle of wine, an oversized t-shirt that says, “Kiss me, I’m polish” that you’ve now spilled wine all over, a block of cheese, and another blanket for good measure.

My sister said that I cried myself to sleep most nights. I don’t really remember the specifics of that time, I just remember this overwhelming sadness that I never thought I would get over. I had this pit in my stomach that burned into my throat, and it just sat there, day and night. I have experienced a lot of traumatic, heart-wrenching times in my life before this, but this was uncharted territory; sad doesn’t accurately describe how horrible I was feeling, and I just didn’t want to be alive anymore. Truly, not to gloss over this, but depression and feeling hopeless is such a heavy burden that no matter how much love or compassion people show you, it just doesn’t help.

I am so grateful to all of my friends, but I know that I wouldn’t have gotten through this period of my life without my parents. They were so selfless and loving and supported me in ways I never knew I would need. I feel like I need to spend the rest of my life thanking them and finding ways to show them how much they mean to me because I truly don’t know what I would’ve done if they hadn’t done everything that they did for me. I’m sitting on my couch sobbing as I write this because I just… I just love Lori and Dave Ellis so god damn much. Thank you for shaping me into the woman I am today.

 

——————————15 minute intermission to find more tissues————————-

 

Okay, I’m back. I want to use this platform to say all of the things that I need to say, and so admitting that I was afflicted with that much pain is very difficult. If you’re still with me here, then I want to thank you. Thank you now, and thank you for reaching out back then when I so desperately needed it. If I didn’t respond to you, please know that I just couldn’t find the words then. If I did reach out to you, thank you for being there for me in my time of crisis. Your love saved me. Truly.

Thankfully, I was able to find my footing. But now I am experiencing anxiety for the first time… Yes I know, I feel very lucky to have just started this fun adventure of having a knot in my stomach, cold-sweats, nausea, palpitations, and an impending feeling of doom.

Apparently, for 27 years, I just did and said whatever I wanted, felt no consequence, and didn’t give any fucks about what anyone thought about me ever. Ahhh… what a simpler time.

Now, when I go out with a guy, I end up having to suddenly leave because I think I may start throwing up, and then all of my built up stress causes kidney stones! Huzzah! Great evolutionary trait, Aubrey!

Eventually though, I did get a job, and I was going to graduate school interviews, and feeling more and more like my old self. I have no tried and true method to how this happened; I can certainly tell you that it didn’t happen over night. It took months for me to feel comfortable in my own skin again. But one day, someone in my family looked at me and said, “Hey, the old Aubrey is back!” Thank god. From what I experienced, there is no wrong way to grieve. Your feelings and emotions are truly unique to you, and whatever you need to do to make yourself feel whole, then you should do that. I cried alot, drank more, reached out to friends, and leaned on my family 110%.

Occasionally I would have small realizations about my previous life and whenever that happened, I would write them down in a notebook. Often, they were things about my ex, but more often then not, they were reasons why I was better off. Soon they turned into qualities I wanted in my next partner. I had compromised so much in my previous relationship, that I now had a list of non-negotiables. I’ll share some with you; I can’t remember everything right off of the top of my head, of course I only remember the very silly ones, but to me, they are very important.

  1. They have to want to dance with me.
  2. They have to want to wear hilarious halloween costumes.
  3. They will never tell me that I’m too loud.

 

In January I had finally built up the courage to take on the adventure that is dating apps! What a weird thing guys! They didn’t have these things back in 2010, and man oh man, do I dislike them. Alas, at the end of January, I went on my first date in almost 7 years.

How do you even know when you’re ready to date again!? Was I ready? Did I even want to go? What do you talk about? Will it be weird if I meow at him? What if I get too drunk because I have no tolerance anymore and I laugh and whiskey comes out of my nose?

In my next post, I’m going to divulge what it’s like to date again, talk about the absurdities of tindr, tell you about the four guys that I’ve gone out with, and I don’t know, probably go on about how Jameson is the best whiskey? Yeah, that sounds right.

Thank you for going on today’s emotional roller coaster with me. We got through the tough part, now onto my hilarities and hi-jinks.

But for tonight, I will leave you with the words from Adele. Even though her songs have a a sad piano vibe to them, she still helped me in my time of need. “I can’t keep up with your turning tables. Under your thumb, I can’t breathe. So I won’t let you close enough to hurt me.”

 

Love,

Aubrey

 

 

The Journey Begins

 

Hello friends,

Welcome to my blog where I will use these posts as my therapy in order to help me navigate dating in 2018, the healing process after a breakup, graduate school woes, and just being a millennial in general. You are more than welcome on this journey of self discovery as I will attempt to figure out what will actually make me happy.

I’m starting this blog because I’ve been feeling anxious and confused about how I should go about doing…life. It all started a little less than a year ago when my ex, then husband, told me out of the blue that he didn’t love me anymore and wanted a divorce.

Ah, men.

Because this is my first blog post, for now I will just give you a brief introduction to why I am the way that I am. I started dating this guy when I was 20 years old, a junior in college. A year later, he proposed and being a stupid young person I said, why the hell not. We loved each other, it’d be fiiiiiiine. Unfortunately we grew apart, but I just assumed that my unhappiness was apart of marriage and being an adult. I’ve been told since then that that is not necessarily true. Weird. He didn’t go about the breakup how one should… and long story short, I am now a 28 year old divorcee.

Now, I’m not on here to bash my ex, in fact I want this blog to really have nothing to do with him. But to understand why I am having the problems that I have now, you kind of need to know my back story. And isn’t that what therapy is all about? Bringing up all past events and emotions to accurately pinpoint why you are so fucked up in the first place?

But back to me being blindsided… I guess I dealt with it pretty well. I was devastated for a little less than two weeks, but in that time, I had figured out that I would first of all, move back home to my parents so that I could have a support system, but also that I would be going to Graduate school. In the two weeks from when I was told that I was unloveable, I quit my job, started packing up all of my belongings, and started setting up graduate school interviews and creating a portfolio. People told me they were proud of me and blah blah blahhhhhh… I was just coping. It’s no use just sitting around crying all of the time. Now mind you, I definitely did that, and still do sometimes. Not because I miss my ex or anything, but in less than a year, my life has dramatically changed; now this is a story all about how my life got flipped turned upside down…

Sorry I couldn’t help it. I am no Fresh Prince. And I’ve never been to Bel Air.

My current life situation is that I accepted a Graduate Assistantship at UConn where in three years I will receive my MFA in Technical Direction. I am living on my own for the first time in my whole entire life, and my apartment is just the cutest.There are so many colors everywhere, and so many candles; it is my sanctuary.

And while all of these amazing things are happening, I still feel this overwhelming sense of loneliness. I have some of the most amazing friends and family surrounding me with love, and yet I still feel like I’m just cast off. I’m sure it’s because I’ve always had a person there that was mine. That I could lean on and they could help me fix even the smallest of dilemmas. And now, it’s really all up to me. And I need that, I know that I do. But it’s still just weird.

Anyways, I don’t want to make this first post too long, as I don’t want to scare you off too quickly now. I have many topics that I want to cover in these therapy sessions and I can’t burn through all of them quite yet.

I may do this blog daily, perhaps every other day? We’ll see… grad school is already proving very tiresome. But I believe that writing my thoughts and feelings down may help me realize what I really want in life, and also, I think this may be cheaper than going to see an actual therapist.

In future posts, I want to talk about dating apps, cooking for one person, MLA formatting, why I know how easy it is to become a crazy cat lady, mini horses, and this over arching idea that for some reason, there is a notion out there that women are complicated.

For now, I will leave you with this lyric, as in my times of loneliness I reach out to my friend Kyle. “Someone is on your side. No one is alone.”

 

Love, Aubrey