Trying to be content

I’m slightly intoxicated so here are my stuttered thoughts.

 

Tonight has been the first night in quite some time that I’ve felt content. I don’t know if it’s because it was kind of a snow day or not. Those always make me more giddy than usual.

Tonight I made DELICIOUS SOUP. Usually I’m so critical of my cooking but oh my god, I tasted it and literally, out loud, said yum. Gluten free chicken spinach- gnocchi soup.

I started watching, Grace and Frankie. How haven’t I watched this before. I wish this is how my divorce went. Kind of.

I’m glad my marriage ended when it did, not in my 70s, because I can still live a life of my own. But man, if my ex had left me to be with another man, I think I could’ve totally accepted that.

Because than I would’ve known I could’ve never been good enough, because at the end of the day, I am not a man.

I used to think I was this strong, independent woman, who (even though I was married) didn’t need a man.

I guess tonight proves I don’t need one, but I would really love to have one. But only if he loves me for all of my weirdness. Who doesn’t tell me I’m too loud. Who accepts me for who I am; flaws and all.

Tonight I had my first cigarette in probably a year. I stepped outside and laughed. It felt amazing. It felt freeing. I don’t know why.

 

Nicotine. That’s why.

 

But seriously. It felt like I was finally let go of something.

Maybe it’s the alcohol talking. I’ve only had 2 Moscow mules- but because measuring is for schmucks who knows how much gin I poured.

 

Tomorrow I will start something exciting. I will start talking to a school therapist. It’s time I think to get some professional help. I get so down on myself so easily. I just want to succeed. After everything I’ve dealt with, I just want a win.

Everything is hard. Everyone has their demons. I’m excited to delve into mine.

Tonight I feel hopeful. I haven’t felt that in a while.

I hope this feeling doesn’t fade.

 

 

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