I’m not okay

I’m back at the blog, and probably not in the best way.

These are the thoughts I’ve had today, they are not linear. They may make you sad, so don’t read it if you think that will happen.

I just need to get them out of my brain.

 

I have had some low moments this year. A lot of times I doubted myself, sometimes I wondered what my new future would be, and many nights I cried myself to sleep.

I am now back to all of those feelings, as the new year has just started and I feel hopeless. I don’t think I’m understanding the set for my new show, I’m scared for the next two classes I’m about to take, I’m broke because I didn’t plan my financial aid well enough and have never lived on my own before, and in the year that I’ve started dating new people, I’ve had yet another person tell me that they don’t want to put in the time to have a relationship with me.

When I’ve talked about these things in the  past, people always say such encouraging things. Of course you are loved! You are so brave!

Sure, maybe you love me, but you know it’s not the same as being IN love. Every time someone rejects me, they are saying no, I don’t want to hear about your day. No, I won’t take care of you when you’re sick. No, I don’t want you to make me dinner. No, I don’t want to sit beside you in silence and read a book. And again, while many will say to me upon reading this, “I’ll do that with you”. You know that it’s not the same, right?

I’m going to be 29 this year. And while all of my friends are planning their lives together with their significant others, some engaged, others married- some with kids on the way, others on their second one; I am sobbing, alone in my one bedroom apartment, back in college: alone.

And yes, I have friends here, and I see them every so often and and we go out and talk. But my daily routine is something like: wake up alone, make a pot of coffee, watch the news, make myself breakfast, drink entire pot of coffee, meticulously clean everything, get ready, work on my next show, come home, cook dinner for myself, have a cocktail while watching fixer upper, meticulously clean everything, read my book, and go to bed, alone, again. I have done this almost every day since moving here. Sure, the shows change and sometimes you go out with friends but, it’s extremely lonely, and it doesn’t look like there is any change in sight.

Sure. I should hold out for the right one. That’s what I keep hearing. Don’t settle for anything less than you deserve. Sure.

Damn it. Now I just feel like I’m throwing myself a pity party.

I keep having this day dream where I win the lottery and pay off my bills, and then get a bunch of like liposuction and I’m like Victoria secrets model hot and then all of my problems would be solved.

I honestly think they would be. Don’t care if you agree with me or not. My pity party, my rules.

 

Heres what I know now about myself:

-I am overall happier than I was a year and a half ago. I laugh more deeply, I’m not ashamed of who I am, and most importantly, I’m not trying to be something else for someone else.

-I need to be in a relationship.

-I want to have a family.

-My personal happiness will always be more important than my career.

-I can’t wait to be done with grad school.

 

I have cried a lot in the last two hours, I will probably cry myself to sleep tonight. I feel very unloveable; I’m certain I look like Gollum right now. The box of tissues I’m holding is my precious.

I’m also certain I’m blowing a lot of this out of proportion as today has been a very  dramatic day for me. But that’s what you get when you’re getting your MFA in dramatic arts I guess.

Atleast I’m not an actor. No offense… but really.

#humor

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