I am one of those people..

Yes it’s true, and I hate to admit it.

I am one of those people who loves their birthday and will tell you about it weeks before it comes.

I have always gotten my hopes up, and I just can’t help it. I don’t know what I expect will happen, I just get really excited and want confetti and balloons and friends and fun.

This year, however, will most likely be the weirdest and least exciting one so far and I’m trying to figure out how I can still enjoy myself.

My birthday is always on memorial day weekend, and this year it actually falls on Memorial Day. And while usually that is fantastic because everyone has it off- this year I don’t… summerstock theater doesn’t play by federal holiday rules unfortunately.

So I’ll be working. I was able to get the Saturday before it off, so I will atleast have the weekend to go camping with my family, and I am so excited and grateful to be able to do that.

It’s still just the day of my birthday that I am nervous about. I have to work all day, and while that would normally not be a problem- it’s the summer- so all of my friends are away doing other work…

So what I’m afraid of is that I will work all day, and then come home, by myself, and do nothing for my actual birthday.

That seems so depressing.

I’m trying to find things to do after work. I might treat myself to a movie or something. Just do something for myself… it just isn’t the same.

I’ve always done something for my birthday. Went camping with the family, or had a bbq with friends, or had a significant other to take me out. This year, I will have no one around me.

And I know, it’s just a day. I’ll get to celebrate on the weekend. And while rationally that makes sense, I’m not going to be able to get over that for my 29th birthday, “my last year of youth”, I will kind of be alone all day with no plans or anything remotely special.

It’s selfish. It’s irrational. It’s petty.

And it’s how I’ve always been. Birthdays have always been a big deal- mine, my families and friends- I love celebrating them!

I’m just bummed out a bit right now…. atleast I have this weekend to look forward to.

I blame social media for my emotions

It’s so easy to compare yourself to everyone else online because we are constantly bombarded with their life updates.

Everyone has their demons, but online you can make your life look so perfect. Someone just got engaged, so and so is pregnant, etc.

As someone who is approaching their last year of youth, stressed out beyond belief from grad school, and more single than I’ve ever been, it’s easy for me to look at these posts and feel like I’m failing.

I feel that way right now, even as I’m writing this. I’m almost 29, divorced, and enthusiastically pessimistic about every aspect of my life. I hate my situation, how I look, how I handle stress, and it feels like I can’t do a single thing better than anyone.

Every day since my divorce, I’ve been trying to be a more truer version of myself. Being me 100% unapologetically. And while that all sounds well and good, it’s like no one wants that. They don’t want the messy bits. They just want the social media version of me.

Everyday I’m so tempted to delete everything. But now that I’ve had a taste of it, the withdrawal would be too much. I definitely feel though like life was much better without Facebook and Instagram. Without being constantly bombarded with images of beautiful women with tanned skin and size 2 waists, with the most beautiful partners and their dogs, vacationing for the third time that month.

It’s hard looking at all of that as you sit in your one bedroom apartment, alone, watching re runs of the great British bake-off, eating leftovers while you wonder how you’ll finish your final project for automation. And once you do get motivated, you look in the mirror of your red splotchy face, in baggy sweatpants and braided hair, and know that you’ll never be as beautiful or as charming as those women.

I think I need to start going to therapy again.

I think all of this is sprouted from the fact that my birthday is approaching. Where I will be turning 29, and I have to work all day, and then come back home and be alone.

It’s all too much for me to handle at the moment.

I just feel very sad for myself. And it just feels like no matter how much I try and work my hardest and push myself to love myself, it doesn’t matter. And I just feel like a failure. I hate that I feel like this.

Systematic failure of Men

I don’t know what it is lately, but it seems like a lot of guys want to hook up with me…  but that’s it.

 

I refuse to think that it’s something that I’m doing because I’m not leading anyone on, I’m super upfront with the fact that I’m looking to find love; a real relationship. I always act like myself- stupid and goofy. And I pride myself on the fact that I cry over mini-horses; I have no shame.

I don’t understand why it’s so hard to understand why I wouldn’t want to sleep with someone who doesn’t want to be with me.

What happened to dating someone for a second before you immediately had sex. Like I get it, sex it great, but it’s really not everything. Like at all.

I feel like it’s our society that’s failing at this. We have such a huge hookup culture now because of online dating, that not only is it near impossible to actually meet someone naturally, but then when you do, goodluck trying to have a real connection with them above physicality.

 

It all feels like a cop out. When guys say that they aren’t ready to be in a relationship, or that they’ve never had one longer than a few months, I just want to grab them by the ear and yell into it, “Shut the fuck up and take a chance already! “

Everything you’re spewing is just a whiney, little- boy excuse.

And if you have that much insecurity and trust-issues; GO TO THERAPY. There is nothing to be ashamed of. It’s amazing and truly helps you work out your demons. I go and I love it. I truly think everyone should go no matter what their situation is (as long as it’s in your means).

ugh. Another rant about men. But like, I wouldn’t complain if I had went on a date over this last year and a half where sex wasn’t mentioned atleast once. But it was, and it was always initiated by the guy.

Is there nothing else that goes on in your brain? There has to be… right? RIGHT?

I’m not prude, but like, I promise there is more to life…. right? RIGHT?

Or just be upfront with people. Use your words. How are you actually feeling? What do you really want?

It just feels like sincerity has died.

 

And now time to tackle the age old myth that, “Women are Complicated”. Because you guys love to use this against us. Here it is- the secret to making us swoon.

-pick the place that we’re going. Don’t ask us even- just pick it. I’ll already be 50% less stressed out

-buy us flowers. Not every time, but like maybe a single stem on the first date? Maybe on the fifth date a couple more?  Or, don’t want to buy us cut flowers since they’ll soon die? Buy us a potted plant! A little succulent or something; How fun and quirky! And as long as we don’t kill it, we’ll have something to remember you by. I’m not saying you have to spend almost any money- but I swear, we won’t forget that you brought us flowers. It will put a smile on our face for the rest of the day, and we will tell everyone how sweet it was that you did that.

– don’t talk about money or cars. It’s gross, we don’t care, and again, there has to be something more interesting about you then what you make and how you spend it.

-Be honest. Be up-front. Pretend your mom is there, how would you act then? That’s how we always want you to act. And if it’s horrible, then you’re a bad person and goodbye.

 

Anyways, to all those girls out there dating and struggling to be seen for who you really are, please know that you are not alone, you are so beautiful; inside and out, and you will find someone to be weird with.

Fragile

Tonight I saw a picture of my ex for the first time in over a year.

 

He got a tattoo.

 

For some reason that wrecked me.

I don’t miss him, I don’t want to be with him. He was never right for me. He hurt me more than he made me happy.

 

I think just seeing him looking happy; moving on, just makes me angry.

I don’t want to be vindictive. But I want him to be as unhappy as I am sometimes.

I don’t like being single, but I don’t want to be in a relationship just because of that. The next one I’m in needs to be for the right reasons, with the right person.

 

We need to be able to build each other up, and laugh when things are good, and hold each other up when they’re not.

I’m not going to settle.

 

But I wish life would hurry up. I can’t stand the thought of him being happy while I’m suffering. It’s infuriating.

 

I guess I am vindictive.

I just want to move on from this. I hate that I’m still grieving this. I hate that he’s still making me cry.

Because seriously, how dare him. After everything he put me through…

I just want to feel completely content with myself.

I just feel so fragile.

Trying to be content

I’m slightly intoxicated so here are my stuttered thoughts.

 

Tonight has been the first night in quite some time that I’ve felt content. I don’t know if it’s because it was kind of a snow day or not. Those always make me more giddy than usual.

Tonight I made DELICIOUS SOUP. Usually I’m so critical of my cooking but oh my god, I tasted it and literally, out loud, said yum. Gluten free chicken spinach- gnocchi soup.

I started watching, Grace and Frankie. How haven’t I watched this before. I wish this is how my divorce went. Kind of.

I’m glad my marriage ended when it did, not in my 70s, because I can still live a life of my own. But man, if my ex had left me to be with another man, I think I could’ve totally accepted that.

Because than I would’ve known I could’ve never been good enough, because at the end of the day, I am not a man.

I used to think I was this strong, independent woman, who (even though I was married) didn’t need a man.

I guess tonight proves I don’t need one, but I would really love to have one. But only if he loves me for all of my weirdness. Who doesn’t tell me I’m too loud. Who accepts me for who I am; flaws and all.

Tonight I had my first cigarette in probably a year. I stepped outside and laughed. It felt amazing. It felt freeing. I don’t know why.

 

Nicotine. That’s why.

 

But seriously. It felt like I was finally let go of something.

Maybe it’s the alcohol talking. I’ve only had 2 Moscow mules- but because measuring is for schmucks who knows how much gin I poured.

 

Tomorrow I will start something exciting. I will start talking to a school therapist. It’s time I think to get some professional help. I get so down on myself so easily. I just want to succeed. After everything I’ve dealt with, I just want a win.

Everything is hard. Everyone has their demons. I’m excited to delve into mine.

Tonight I feel hopeful. I haven’t felt that in a while.

I hope this feeling doesn’t fade.

 

 

I’m not okay

I’m back at the blog, and probably not in the best way.

These are the thoughts I’ve had today, they are not linear. They may make you sad, so don’t read it if you think that will happen.

I just need to get them out of my brain.

 

I have had some low moments this year. A lot of times I doubted myself, sometimes I wondered what my new future would be, and many nights I cried myself to sleep.

I am now back to all of those feelings, as the new year has just started and I feel hopeless. I don’t think I’m understanding the set for my new show, I’m scared for the next two classes I’m about to take, I’m broke because I didn’t plan my financial aid well enough and have never lived on my own before, and in the year that I’ve started dating new people, I’ve had yet another person tell me that they don’t want to put in the time to have a relationship with me.

When I’ve talked about these things in the  past, people always say such encouraging things. Of course you are loved! You are so brave!

Sure, maybe you love me, but you know it’s not the same as being IN love. Every time someone rejects me, they are saying no, I don’t want to hear about your day. No, I won’t take care of you when you’re sick. No, I don’t want you to make me dinner. No, I don’t want to sit beside you in silence and read a book. And again, while many will say to me upon reading this, “I’ll do that with you”. You know that it’s not the same, right?

I’m going to be 29 this year. And while all of my friends are planning their lives together with their significant others, some engaged, others married- some with kids on the way, others on their second one; I am sobbing, alone in my one bedroom apartment, back in college: alone.

And yes, I have friends here, and I see them every so often and and we go out and talk. But my daily routine is something like: wake up alone, make a pot of coffee, watch the news, make myself breakfast, drink entire pot of coffee, meticulously clean everything, get ready, work on my next show, come home, cook dinner for myself, have a cocktail while watching fixer upper, meticulously clean everything, read my book, and go to bed, alone, again. I have done this almost every day since moving here. Sure, the shows change and sometimes you go out with friends but, it’s extremely lonely, and it doesn’t look like there is any change in sight.

Sure. I should hold out for the right one. That’s what I keep hearing. Don’t settle for anything less than you deserve. Sure.

Damn it. Now I just feel like I’m throwing myself a pity party.

I keep having this day dream where I win the lottery and pay off my bills, and then get a bunch of like liposuction and I’m like Victoria secrets model hot and then all of my problems would be solved.

I honestly think they would be. Don’t care if you agree with me or not. My pity party, my rules.

 

Heres what I know now about myself:

-I am overall happier than I was a year and a half ago. I laugh more deeply, I’m not ashamed of who I am, and most importantly, I’m not trying to be something else for someone else.

-I need to be in a relationship.

-I want to have a family.

-My personal happiness will always be more important than my career.

-I can’t wait to be done with grad school.

 

I have cried a lot in the last two hours, I will probably cry myself to sleep tonight. I feel very unloveable; I’m certain I look like Gollum right now. The box of tissues I’m holding is my precious.

I’m also certain I’m blowing a lot of this out of proportion as today has been a very  dramatic day for me. But that’s what you get when you’re getting your MFA in dramatic arts I guess.

Atleast I’m not an actor. No offense… but really.

#humor

A Tropical Depression

Hello friends!

Man oh man it’s been a while! Things have definitely got away from me as I am now starting to enter the, “I have no life because grad school” mentality.

We’ve already struck our first show, we’re in tech for another, and we’re in the 3rd build week for my show. I am drafting better and better everyday, but I’m still no pro. Not even close.

We’ve passed midterms now, my welding project was a bit of a disappointment for me, but I certainly learned a lot, which is really the whole point. We had one week to make something and I decided I wanted to make a wind chime that looked like a jelly fish. When I started the project, my boss said that he didn’t think it would be able to happen how I wanted it to, and boy was he right.

Unfortunately I never listen, especially to nay sayers, and went along with it anyways. I wasn’t able to work on it as much as I had hoped since some things got in my way with the build of my upcoming show. So it ended up looking VERY organic, but it sounds great. I kept telling people to just close their eyes when they look at it, because the intonation of the copper tubes I used sounded really lovely.

Right now my life feels very messy. The stress from my show is really getting to me, and I’ve had 3 panic attacks in less than 12 hours. It’s enough that it makes me want to talk to a doctor about this again, but all of the anxiety medicine makes me feel like a zombie and I would hate that more I think.

Plus the last time I talked to a doctor about this, I didn’t get the greatest response. I actually completely forgot about this interaction until recently when I was looking through my medical history to send to UConn. I was looking through at the notes from the appointment I made about my overwhelming anxiety after my ex and I broke up after being together for almost 7 years. The diagnosis was, “Anxiety, extreme depression, obesity.”

COOL COOL COOL COOL COOL

Like, I know I’m no model of health, but let’s calm down. Also, I’m coming to you to talk about how I don’t want to be alive anymore, but yeah let’s dig a deeper hole about how overweight I am. That’ll totally help.

How do some people have medical degrees?

That being said, I am currently laying in my bed eating cheese. But also, self care. After all of my anxiety today, I got home, took a bath, poured myself a glass of wine, and now I’m here to talk it out. Of course living a healthy life style can certainly improve mental health, but right now I just don’t think some carrots and yoga is going to do the trick.

I do feel lucky that I can identify when I am having a panic attack atleast. Kimberly was saying that one of her friends is starting to have some but doesn’t know how to handle herself, which is super understandable. When I first started having attacks, I had no clue what was going on, and so I would try to act as normal as possible, which would really just make it worse.

Now I can feel my heart rate elevate, I start to sweat, I get this knot in my chest and that’s when I know I need to excuse myself. I like to go to the bathroom, bend down holding onto the sink so my arms are above my head, and then I cry if I need to and get back to breathing regular again. Then I splash cold water on my face, chest and neck. It usually takes about 5-10 minutes for me to return to normal, but I’ve found it the best way to calm myself down.

I also feel lucky to have surrounded myself with new friends at school who understand that this is a problem I face, and who give me the space and love to overcome it. They all know that I hate hugs, so they do this thing where they reach out their hand and put it on my forehead, and that is weirdly comforting.

Alas, I have faith that tomorrow will be a brighter and better day.

Today I leave you with the words from not a song, but my favorite podcast, “Jordan Jesse Go!” This was their catch phrase from last year. “Go punch a blimp!”

Love,

Aubrey