Systematic failure of Men

I don’t know what it is lately, but it seems like a lot of guys want to hook up with me…  but that’s it.

 

I refuse to think that it’s something that I’m doing because I’m not leading anyone on, I’m super upfront with the fact that I’m looking to find love; a real relationship. I always act like myself- stupid and goofy. And I pride myself on the fact that I cry over mini-horses; I have no shame.

I don’t understand why it’s so hard to understand why I wouldn’t want to sleep with someone who doesn’t want to be with me.

What happened to dating someone for a second before you immediately had sex. Like I get it, sex it great, but it’s really not everything. Like at all.

I feel like it’s our society that’s failing at this. We have such a huge hookup culture now because of online dating, that not only is it near impossible to actually meet someone naturally, but then when you do, goodluck trying to have a real connection with them above physicality.

 

It all feels like a cop out. When guys say that they aren’t ready to be in a relationship, or that they’ve never had one longer than a few months, I just want to grab them by the ear and yell into it, “Shut the fuck up and take a chance already! “

Everything you’re spewing is just a whiney, little- boy excuse.

And if you have that much insecurity and trust-issues; GO TO THERAPY. There is nothing to be ashamed of. It’s amazing and truly helps you work out your demons. I go and I love it. I truly think everyone should go no matter what their situation is (as long as it’s in your means).

ugh. Another rant about men. But like, I wouldn’t complain if I had went on a date over this last year and a half where sex wasn’t mentioned atleast once. But it was, and it was always initiated by the guy.

Is there nothing else that goes on in your brain? There has to be… right? RIGHT?

I’m not prude, but like, I promise there is more to life…. right? RIGHT?

Or just be upfront with people. Use your words. How are you actually feeling? What do you really want?

It just feels like sincerity has died.

 

And now time to tackle the age old myth that, “Women are Complicated”. Because you guys love to use this against us. Here it is- the secret to making us swoon.

-pick the place that we’re going. Don’t ask us even- just pick it. I’ll already be 50% less stressed out

-buy us flowers. Not every time, but like maybe a single stem on the first date? Maybe on the fifth date a couple more?  Or, don’t want to buy us cut flowers since they’ll soon die? Buy us a potted plant! A little succulent or something; How fun and quirky! And as long as we don’t kill it, we’ll have something to remember you by. I’m not saying you have to spend almost any money- but I swear, we won’t forget that you brought us flowers. It will put a smile on our face for the rest of the day, and we will tell everyone how sweet it was that you did that.

– don’t talk about money or cars. It’s gross, we don’t care, and again, there has to be something more interesting about you then what you make and how you spend it.

-Be honest. Be up-front. Pretend your mom is there, how would you act then? That’s how we always want you to act. And if it’s horrible, then you’re a bad person and goodbye.

 

Anyways, to all those girls out there dating and struggling to be seen for who you really are, please know that you are not alone, you are so beautiful; inside and out, and you will find someone to be weird with.

Fragile

Tonight I saw a picture of my ex for the first time in over a year.

 

He got a tattoo.

 

For some reason that wrecked me.

I don’t miss him, I don’t want to be with him. He was never right for me. He hurt me more than he made me happy.

 

I think just seeing him looking happy; moving on, just makes me angry.

I don’t want to be vindictive. But I want him to be as unhappy as I am sometimes.

I don’t like being single, but I don’t want to be in a relationship just because of that. The next one I’m in needs to be for the right reasons, with the right person.

 

We need to be able to build each other up, and laugh when things are good, and hold each other up when they’re not.

I’m not going to settle.

 

But I wish life would hurry up. I can’t stand the thought of him being happy while I’m suffering. It’s infuriating.

 

I guess I am vindictive.

I just want to move on from this. I hate that I’m still grieving this. I hate that he’s still making me cry.

Because seriously, how dare him. After everything he put me through…

I just want to feel completely content with myself.

I just feel so fragile.

Trying to be content

I’m slightly intoxicated so here are my stuttered thoughts.

 

Tonight has been the first night in quite some time that I’ve felt content. I don’t know if it’s because it was kind of a snow day or not. Those always make me more giddy than usual.

Tonight I made DELICIOUS SOUP. Usually I’m so critical of my cooking but oh my god, I tasted it and literally, out loud, said yum. Gluten free chicken spinach- gnocchi soup.

I started watching, Grace and Frankie. How haven’t I watched this before. I wish this is how my divorce went. Kind of.

I’m glad my marriage ended when it did, not in my 70s, because I can still live a life of my own. But man, if my ex had left me to be with another man, I think I could’ve totally accepted that.

Because than I would’ve known I could’ve never been good enough, because at the end of the day, I am not a man.

I used to think I was this strong, independent woman, who (even though I was married) didn’t need a man.

I guess tonight proves I don’t need one, but I would really love to have one. But only if he loves me for all of my weirdness. Who doesn’t tell me I’m too loud. Who accepts me for who I am; flaws and all.

Tonight I had my first cigarette in probably a year. I stepped outside and laughed. It felt amazing. It felt freeing. I don’t know why.

 

Nicotine. That’s why.

 

But seriously. It felt like I was finally let go of something.

Maybe it’s the alcohol talking. I’ve only had 2 Moscow mules- but because measuring is for schmucks who knows how much gin I poured.

 

Tomorrow I will start something exciting. I will start talking to a school therapist. It’s time I think to get some professional help. I get so down on myself so easily. I just want to succeed. After everything I’ve dealt with, I just want a win.

Everything is hard. Everyone has their demons. I’m excited to delve into mine.

Tonight I feel hopeful. I haven’t felt that in a while.

I hope this feeling doesn’t fade.

 

 

I’m not okay

I’m back at the blog, and probably not in the best way.

These are the thoughts I’ve had today, they are not linear. They may make you sad, so don’t read it if you think that will happen.

I just need to get them out of my brain.

 

I have had some low moments this year. A lot of times I doubted myself, sometimes I wondered what my new future would be, and many nights I cried myself to sleep.

I am now back to all of those feelings, as the new year has just started and I feel hopeless. I don’t think I’m understanding the set for my new show, I’m scared for the next two classes I’m about to take, I’m broke because I didn’t plan my financial aid well enough and have never lived on my own before, and in the year that I’ve started dating new people, I’ve had yet another person tell me that they don’t want to put in the time to have a relationship with me.

When I’ve talked about these things in the  past, people always say such encouraging things. Of course you are loved! You are so brave!

Sure, maybe you love me, but you know it’s not the same as being IN love. Every time someone rejects me, they are saying no, I don’t want to hear about your day. No, I won’t take care of you when you’re sick. No, I don’t want you to make me dinner. No, I don’t want to sit beside you in silence and read a book. And again, while many will say to me upon reading this, “I’ll do that with you”. You know that it’s not the same, right?

I’m going to be 29 this year. And while all of my friends are planning their lives together with their significant others, some engaged, others married- some with kids on the way, others on their second one; I am sobbing, alone in my one bedroom apartment, back in college: alone.

And yes, I have friends here, and I see them every so often and and we go out and talk. But my daily routine is something like: wake up alone, make a pot of coffee, watch the news, make myself breakfast, drink entire pot of coffee, meticulously clean everything, get ready, work on my next show, come home, cook dinner for myself, have a cocktail while watching fixer upper, meticulously clean everything, read my book, and go to bed, alone, again. I have done this almost every day since moving here. Sure, the shows change and sometimes you go out with friends but, it’s extremely lonely, and it doesn’t look like there is any change in sight.

Sure. I should hold out for the right one. That’s what I keep hearing. Don’t settle for anything less than you deserve. Sure.

Damn it. Now I just feel like I’m throwing myself a pity party.

I keep having this day dream where I win the lottery and pay off my bills, and then get a bunch of like liposuction and I’m like Victoria secrets model hot and then all of my problems would be solved.

I honestly think they would be. Don’t care if you agree with me or not. My pity party, my rules.

 

Heres what I know now about myself:

-I am overall happier than I was a year and a half ago. I laugh more deeply, I’m not ashamed of who I am, and most importantly, I’m not trying to be something else for someone else.

-I need to be in a relationship.

-I want to have a family.

-My personal happiness will always be more important than my career.

-I can’t wait to be done with grad school.

 

I have cried a lot in the last two hours, I will probably cry myself to sleep tonight. I feel very unloveable; I’m certain I look like Gollum right now. The box of tissues I’m holding is my precious.

I’m also certain I’m blowing a lot of this out of proportion as today has been a very  dramatic day for me. But that’s what you get when you’re getting your MFA in dramatic arts I guess.

Atleast I’m not an actor. No offense… but really.

#humor

A Tropical Depression

Hello friends!

Man oh man it’s been a while! Things have definitely got away from me as I am now starting to enter the, “I have no life because grad school” mentality.

We’ve already struck our first show, we’re in tech for another, and we’re in the 3rd build week for my show. I am drafting better and better everyday, but I’m still no pro. Not even close.

We’ve passed midterms now, my welding project was a bit of a disappointment for me, but I certainly learned a lot, which is really the whole point. We had one week to make something and I decided I wanted to make a wind chime that looked like a jelly fish. When I started the project, my boss said that he didn’t think it would be able to happen how I wanted it to, and boy was he right.

Unfortunately I never listen, especially to nay sayers, and went along with it anyways. I wasn’t able to work on it as much as I had hoped since some things got in my way with the build of my upcoming show. So it ended up looking VERY organic, but it sounds great. I kept telling people to just close their eyes when they look at it, because the intonation of the copper tubes I used sounded really lovely.

Right now my life feels very messy. The stress from my show is really getting to me, and I’ve had 3 panic attacks in less than 12 hours. It’s enough that it makes me want to talk to a doctor about this again, but all of the anxiety medicine makes me feel like a zombie and I would hate that more I think.

Plus the last time I talked to a doctor about this, I didn’t get the greatest response. I actually completely forgot about this interaction until recently when I was looking through my medical history to send to UConn. I was looking through at the notes from the appointment I made about my overwhelming anxiety after my ex and I broke up after being together for almost 7 years. The diagnosis was, “Anxiety, extreme depression, obesity.”

COOL COOL COOL COOL COOL

Like, I know I’m no model of health, but let’s calm down. Also, I’m coming to you to talk about how I don’t want to be alive anymore, but yeah let’s dig a deeper hole about how overweight I am. That’ll totally help.

How do some people have medical degrees?

That being said, I am currently laying in my bed eating cheese. But also, self care. After all of my anxiety today, I got home, took a bath, poured myself a glass of wine, and now I’m here to talk it out. Of course living a healthy life style can certainly improve mental health, but right now I just don’t think some carrots and yoga is going to do the trick.

I do feel lucky that I can identify when I am having a panic attack atleast. Kimberly was saying that one of her friends is starting to have some but doesn’t know how to handle herself, which is super understandable. When I first started having attacks, I had no clue what was going on, and so I would try to act as normal as possible, which would really just make it worse.

Now I can feel my heart rate elevate, I start to sweat, I get this knot in my chest and that’s when I know I need to excuse myself. I like to go to the bathroom, bend down holding onto the sink so my arms are above my head, and then I cry if I need to and get back to breathing regular again. Then I splash cold water on my face, chest and neck. It usually takes about 5-10 minutes for me to return to normal, but I’ve found it the best way to calm myself down.

I also feel lucky to have surrounded myself with new friends at school who understand that this is a problem I face, and who give me the space and love to overcome it. They all know that I hate hugs, so they do this thing where they reach out their hand and put it on my forehead, and that is weirdly comforting.

Alas, I have faith that tomorrow will be a brighter and better day.

Today I leave you with the words from not a song, but my favorite podcast, “Jordan Jesse Go!” This was their catch phrase from last year. “Go punch a blimp!”

Love,

Aubrey

I have confidence in sunshine

Hello Friends!

Today I just want to talk about my life as of right now.

So I still have stitches in my knee, I will hopefully be getting those out on Tuesday, and then can resume all normal human activity. I’m feeling alright, a bit sore and still bruised but at least my dignity is recovering slightly. I’m getting very antsy about getting the stitches out though, as they are very itchy and all I want to do is bend my knee.

Two posts ago I talked about this guy, T, that I had been seeing. After I posted that, he completely ignored me for a couple of days. So I texted him and asked if he wasn’t speaking to me because I had gotten him sick or because he read my post and didn’t like it? He responded a day later saying it made him feel weird. I responded saying, well then let’s talk about why it made you feel weird. And I haven’t heard from him since. Womp womp.

It’s interesting dating as a 28-year-old; if this situation were happening when I was 20, I think I would be way more bothered and probably almost begging him for attention. But now it’s more of a relief. Like weeding out the negative people in your life, why would you want to have that person be apart of your world?

After this last Tindr experience, I’ve decided that I am done with the dating apps. I know that they have actually worked for a lot of people, including many of my close friends, but for now, I’m finally getting comfortable with who I am, and for now that needs to be enough. If I meet someone organically, then fantastic, but I’m done trying to force things.

It goes back to having my unrealistic expectations of people; I try to idealize how situations and dates will play out and they will never happen how I envision them. So in the meantime, I will just be the overly loud, dramatic, crazy person who I love to be.

Not only am I feeling more confident in my self, but also in my abilities. I’ve been learning Autocad more and more, and I have drafted almost all of my set now! At least in groundplan form… I still need to break out the pieces separately to build, but I’ll start that tomorrow.

On Friday I did more budget type things with my boss, as we have ordered all of the lumber, fabric, and various other details for the set. When we were going through my paperwork and my process, my boss seemed quite happy with what I had done so far. At one point he said, “You are better at this then you think you are.”

That means a lot. And it tells a lot about my self-esteem as of late. I need to keep remembering that while yes, I am here to learn, I also got into this program for a reason, because I have skills in this field, and I am good at things. So often it can feel like you’re overwhelmed in learning so many new things at once that it feels like you are such an idiot. Deep breathes and rearing all of the confidence you have left gets projects done though. And here we are! We start the build for my show tomorrow! (Although that can’t happen since we don’t have lumber or my build drawings yet, but it’s fiiiiiiine.)

Saturday afternoon I decided that I would attempt to make pierogi for the first time in four years, which felt daunting but fantastic. Since I’ve been gluten-free, I’ve really only missed beer and pierogi, so it felt good to take a crack at making it gluten free, and I think it came out better than I expected it to! It is a bit bland though, so I will have to ramp up my flavor game the next time around, but they sealed really well in the boil, and sautéed beautifully!

Saturday night I went to my second college party as an adult, which was good for me, at least in respect to going all in and taking chances. Kimberly decided that she wasn’t in the party mood, so I was going alone which just ramped up my anxiety ten fold. I was pretty on the fence about going the later it got, but I just told myself to knock it off, you’ll be fine, put on a sexy dress and fake it til you make it.

I took an uber there, and I walk in and I immediately felt old. But I just shut my brain hole up, opened my bottle of wine, and stood there awkwardly while undergrads  scream sang ABBA. One of the guys from the program asked if I wanted to play beer pong which I was so thankful for, and then I found my groove. Man, beer pong is so much fun. I don’t know if I will ever feel too old for it. My complete memory of the night ends there though, I know I called an Uber to leave eventually and it was the same guy who drove me there in the beginning, so that was very fun. And I know I woke up to a snapchat of Carleigh saying, “I thought you left your bottle of wine at the house, but then I picked it up and it was empty.” And that is the exact reason why I have an awesome hangover today. I wanted to start writing this earlier but I was just too off still.

When I was in undergrad, I don’t remember having hangovers. I remember waking up still drunk, which in the grand scheme of drinking, is the way to go. Now, my hangovers last ALL DAY. I haven’t been able to put pants on, I scooped pasta into a bowl with my hands, and my butt has made a permanent dent in my love seat. I even googled “delivery service for Gatorade”. I’m clearly thriving. I certainly need a couple of weeks to recuperate before I do anything like this again, but alas, being old is hard; and life is hard when it happens to you.

In the beautiful song from the beatiful Julie Andrews, from her beautiful mouth, ” And mind me with eash step I am more certain, Everything will turn out fine. I have confidence the world can all be mine, They’ll have to agree I have confidence in me. ”

 

Love,

Aubrey

Bitches get stitches

Hello friends!

Today I’m going to complain and whine a lot. So I’m apologizing now as while you are reading this you may start to shout out, “Jesus Christ Aubrey you are an adult shut up.”That being said.

Today I woke up and was like I’m going to look decent today because I don’t have to be a carpenter I just have to sit on my computer and draft all day. Wardrobe, assemble! Skinny jeans! Check! Cleaveagy top! Yeah! Flowy shawl! Go! Lipstick! Purple!

GoooooooOOOOOOOOO AUBREYYYYYYYYY.

You get it, right?

So I had class, learned more about how to use the computer program that haunts my dreams, and then I’m like, I’m going to go get coffee before I start drafting! What a grand idea! Plus I look so nice, la la la la la. So I get a coffee for me and an iced chai for Kimberly and I start walking back to the Theater. Here’s where all of our worst social nightmares happen.

I go to walk upstairs, a simple task you’d think, and I trip over my foot, because walking is hard, and I fall down the stairs, spilling hot coffee all over me, in the student union, during lunch time. It takes every fiber of my being to not start sobbing. Someone kind of took the hot coffee cup and threw it away for me, the iced chair, fully intact, and I essentially run to the bathroom. I’m very sore and I just want to wash the coffee off of me. I wash my arms off and I notice 2 good cuts on my arms, I look down more, my knee is bleeding a bit. UGH.

So I wobble, literally, over to the Theater, still trying more than ever to not start crying. I put down the iced chai, I go to the medicine cabinet to get a band-aid, and go into the bathroom where the millisecond I closed the door I just start weeping. Tears just splashing off of the ground; its real cute.

I take my pants off, because I’m wearing skinny jeans… AWESOME CHOICE. I look down at my knee where I assume I cut myself a bit, and there is a clean, straight gash in the center of my knee, gushing. Now I start sobbing more, I don’t know why. Maybe because it feels like I can’t catch a break these last couple of weeks. So now I’m in a bathroom stall, weeping like Anne Hathaway in Les Miserables, with my pants around my ankles, and blood running down my leg. HAPPY TUESDAY GUYS.

I can’t do anything in this state, obviously, so I call Kimberly:

Aubrey: Hey, how squeamish are you?

Kimberly: Not that much.

Aubrey: Great, please come to the bathroom.

–Kimberly walks in–

Aubrey: I’m not wearing any pants!

Kimberly: That’s okay!

Aubrey: It needs stitches doesn’t it.

Kimberly: I mean, yeah.

So she calmed me down, wrapped me up, and off to the health center we went! We walked in the door, I said, “Hello, I have a gash on my leg”. The front desk girl kind of look horrified, and ushered us immediately into a room. Kimberly helps me take my shoes and pants off (I know and she didn’t even buy me dinner first).

Nurse and Doctor killed it; I love having 4 women in a room talk about all of the head injuries their brother has had. They numb and stitch me up, and then poke me with a tetanus and flu shot. Kimberly loves me and asks, “Do you have any pretty band aids. We need the good ones.” The nurse is essentially like, hell fucking yeah, and so now I have cool Jonathan Bandaids on my arm. (Jonathan is the husky mascot for UConn and him and his brother are the cutest, most goodest doggos that the world has ever seen.)

And off we go, back to the Theater! Kimberly essentially walks circles around me as I hobble back, but man, she is such a good mom! She asked the doctor all of the questions that I wouldn’t have, like, “What are her limitations? Can we have a note for work? What is the after care like?” You know, the important things. And you guys. She held my hand and literally wiped tears off of my face. And she tied my shoes for me. Like stop it, I feel so lucky that the person I get to spend the next 3 years with is kind, hilarious, and as loud as I am.

Also I just want to take a moment to bask in a small piece of glory which is my health insurance. To some, this may not seem like a bit deal but it is so important. After I turned 26 I remember how hard it was for me to find the right insurance. I remember how expensive it was, even going through my ex’s employers. And then once I was on my own, finding a job where they would help pay for it. To some this sounds silly, but another huge pro in going back to grad school was the health insurance. Because I technically work for the college with my Assistantship, I get insurance through them, and because I’m apart of the graduate union that cares about me, they fought for this; plus the monthly payments get taken out of my paycheck and are very minimal. It feels so good to have great insurance again that I’m not paying an arm and a leg for.

But anyways, we get back to the theater, jokes jokes jokes Aubrey is a clutz, how do you get stitches from walking up stairs? LOLZ.

I try to draft, but I can’t get comfortable since I can’t bend my knee, plus I’m still in a lot of pain, so I go home, and cry the whole way.

These last two weeks have been trying, just between being sick and now this, it’s been feeling especially lonely. I am such a baby when these things happen to me, and I just want to whine and be cared for. Even before I met my ex, I had my room mates who would care for me, many times much to their chagrin. It’s weird being truly alone now. I called my mom earlier and just wanted to be home for her to help me.

I tried to draft more once I got home but I really can’t concentrate today. Hopefully tomorrow will be better and I’ll be less swollen. The bruising is already started, I can’t wait to literally look like a rainbow. When I got home, it took me a good 10 minutes to take off my jeans and put on sweatpants. I’m not allowed to bend, lift, go up stairs, all those normal human things until next week when I get the stitches out. So I mostly had wine for dinner and that helped a bit.

But I’m really fine. I just am very good at whining. And crying. OH MAN am I good at crying… Gotta add it to the resume.

Today’s lyrics are a favorite headbanger of my dads; Drowning Pool says it best, “Let the bodies hit the floor, let the bodies hit the floor, let the bodies hit the floor, let the bodies hit the floor. ”

 

Love,

Aubrey